The Decepticons’ Commentary: ‘The Transformers: The Movie’ (1986)

Narrator’s note: I’ve always wanted a good “MST” of The Transformers: The Movie (1986). I guess it’s because I really can’t watch it without experiencing a serious conflict of emotions. It has many of my favorite characters, in some interesting scenes, but then a whole bunch of ’em are unceremoniously removed.

So, I thought I’d put together a little commentary of our own, because who better to comment on said movie than… well, none other than the Decepticons themselves!
Apologies in advance to anyone who may be easily offended, since I won’t be censoring the commentary… too much. It will also be a fairly long commentary, so I’ve divided it up into several posts. By the way, it really helps to hear the original G1 character voices in your head as you read their commentary.

And now, without further ado, let us break the 4th wall and welcome the stars of the show…

Disclaimer: The following contains mild coarse language, drug references, and adult themes. Commentary was recorded live and is uncensored.

Decepticons’ commentary: The Transformers: The Movie (1986)

The Decepticons take their seats in the theater. They have not yet seen the movie, and have no idea what to expect.

STARSCREAM: So, a movie all about us. How interesting.

MEGATRON: Perhaps the Decepticons will win this time.

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) You think?

SKYWARP: That’d be a fraggin’ first.

STARSCREAM: And if it’s anything like the cartoon series, then we can expect me to screw things up again.

THUNDERCRACKER: You weren’t all that bad… (Starscream gives Thundercracker a look) Eh, okay. I guess the script didn’t do you any favours, did it?

STARSCREAM: No. We need new writers.

SOUNDWAVE: Can we get rid of Reflector?

THUNDERCRACKER: You know, we ought to be the good guys for a change.

SKYWARP: Yeah, just to screw with the fan base.

THUNDERCRACKER: You just love screwing with the fan base, don’t you?

SKYWARP: Ah, that I do… I do.

STARSCREAM: But if we’re the good guys we’d have to start appearing at charity functions and book signings… wouldn’t we?

SKYWARP: I dunno. We could just let the Autobots handle all of that boring stuff.

MEGATRON: When is this movie going to start?

SKYWARP: What’s the chance we all get our afts handed to us again?

THUNDERCRACKER: Heh. Such pessimism, Skywarp.

SKYWARP: Well, this isn’t The Care Bears Movie, you know.

THUNDERCRACKER: Or Barbie and her Sisters…

STARSCREAM: (laughs) If we share the same toy company with the Care Bears, doesn’t that technically make them our cousins?

THUNDERCRACKER: Hey, you might have a point. We should have called upon the Care Bears to help us defeat the Autobots…

STARSCREAM: Can you imagine? ‘Take that, Autobots!’ (imitates the Care Bear Stare by rubbing his Decepticon insignia).

SKYWARP: Yeah… I bet our Caring Meter would explode.

THUNDERCRACKER: Remind me again why we’re talking about Care Bears?

STARSCREAM: Well, it’s either Care Bears or My Little Pony. Take your pick.

SKYWARP: Uh… how about we just stick to our own movie, huh?

STARSCREAM: Fine. But if it’s crap we’re watching something else.

The Movie finally begins…

      The opening scene shows an image of space, and then reveals UNICRON; a huge, planet-sized thing with horns.

STARSCREAM: What the hell is that?

SKYWARP: It looks like a giant aft.

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) With horns?

      Unicron’s theme begins, and the reverse side of Unicron is shown.

SKYWARP: See, I told you it’s a giant aft. And it even comes with its own creepy theme music.

THUNDERCRACKER: That really is creepy. I don’t think I’d wanna bump into that guy down a dark, lonely alley…

      The scene shifts to Unicron’s point of view, as it approaches a mechanical planet. Helicopters are flying over a city populated with mechanistic life forms. Robotic children are seen running around and the inhabitants look like they are having fun. There is a tray of chemicals being carted down an enclosed hallway, and one of the robots is seen pouring a blue substance from one flask into another inside a laboratory.

SKYWARP: I wonder if they know there’s a giant aft out in space watching them?

STARSCREAM: I’ll bet it’s after their meth lab. (Unicron) Giiiive meee youurr druugggssss…

THUNDERCRACKER: So it’s creepy, and high?

      Two robots enter the chemistry lab. One of them is holding a tray of more flasks, and he hands it over to the first robot, who places it down on his work bench. A rumbling is heard in the distance as the bench and tray full of flasks begin to vibrate.

SKYWARP: I think the big aft just farted.

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) How did I know you were going to say something like that?

      The flasks fall off the tray and shatter.

STARSCREAM: (lab robot) Oh, scrap. Big aft’s gonna be pissed!

      Something pink crashs to the floor as another robot looks on before running off.

THUNDERCRACKER: Was that Elita One? Someone spiked her drink.

STARSCREAM: (fleeing robot) Quick, we must save the ice cream.

SKYWARP: The ice cream?

STARSCREAM: Yes, you know. The juice… the cotton candy… the rocket fuel.

SKYWARP: Oh… you mean the sparkle? The kryptonite? The dirt?

STARSCREAM: That’s the stuff.

THUNDERCRACKER: The drano? The pink? The chalk dust? The space food? The –

SKYWARP: Yeah… I think we all get the idea.

      Two robots look up to see Unicron approaching.
      ROBOT: ORBILUS, look – it’s Unicron!

STARSCREAM: (Orbilus) Hurry, we must hide the sugar!

THUNDERCRACKER: (Unicron, in a booming voice) I am Unicron, and I have come for my laundry detergent!

      A tractor beam is emitted from Unicron’s center, as one of the robots looks on in shock.

SKYWARP: Did you see that? Unicron just farted in that guy’s face.

THUNDERCRACKER: I wouldn’t just be standing there if I were that robot.

STARSCREAM: He can’t help it. He’s obviously paralyzed with fear.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah… I guess coming face-to-face with a giant aft would have that effect on someone.

      Suddenly, the planet and everything on it is pulled towards Unicron, as it extends its horns towards it. Ruins and debris are quickly sucked into Unicron’s hole as it devours the smaller planet.
      ROBOT: The ships! Get to the ships! It’s our only chance!

STARSCREAM: Sorry to break this to you, friend, but Unicron is much bigger than your puny planet. Your silly ships aren’t going to save you!

THUNDERCRACKER: He should have just given Unicron the laundry detergent he was after.

      The planet continues to crumble and fall apart, as Unicron sucks robots and debris into its hole. A couple of ships attempt to escape Unicron’s pull. One of them appears to escape, but the second ship gets sucked into the hole.
      ORBILUS: (in doomed ship) KRANIX! Aaaargh!

SKYWARP: Wow. Unicron really is a big aft-hole.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah, but you gotta always look on the bright side – one guy might have actually survived.

      The planet is finally devoured in its entirety. Unicron’s “mouth” opens and closes, while inside Unicron there is much activity as it digests its food, converting it into energy which then lights up its outer ring structure.

STARSCREAM: (Unicron) Look at me, I’m a glorified light bulb! (makes a loud, drawn-out belching sound)

SKYWARP: (Unicron) I’m a huge, planet-eating aft-face!

STARSCREAM: And that’s the end of the movie! (stands up and starts to walk away)

MEGATRON: (acting) Not so fast, Starscream. It isn’t over yet.

STARSCREAM: (sitting back down, dramatic acting) But… but… Megatron! I saw it with my own optics – the entire planet was eaten for lunch!

      The scene moves to a view of space, as the Transformers theme song starts playing. ‘TRANS-FORMERS’ lettering is displayed with the Autobot logo in the middle. ‘THE MOVIE’

SKYWARP: It’s always the Autobot logo. I’ll bet Autobots wrote the script.

THUNDERCRACKER: That’s never good.

      ‘Starring’
      ‘ERIC IDLE as Wreck-Gar’
      ‘JUDD NELSON as Hot Rod’

STARSCREAM: (laughs) Hot Rod… how original.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah, definitely written by Autobots, for Autobot lovers.

      ‘LEONARD NIMOY as Galvatron’

STARSCREAM: So, Spock’s in this movie?

MEGATRON: I don’t like him.

      ‘ROBERT STACK as Ultra Magnus’
      ‘LIONEL STANDER as Kup’

STARSCREAM: (puzzled) Wreck-Gar… Hot Rod… Galvatron… Ultra Magnus… Kup… This is The Transformers: The Movie, isn’t it? Why haven’t we been mentioned yet?

THUNDERCRACKER: My guess is that these new guys are going to replace us.

STARSCREAM: (shocked) You mean, they’re going to get rid of us? (Thundercracker gives Starscream a look) But… they can’t do that! We made The Transformers! They wouldn’t dare get rid of us!

THUNDERCRACKER: Well, we’re only three minutes into the movie. Maybe that won’t happen.

STARSCREAM: You’d better be right, Thundercracker.

      ‘ORSON WELLES as Unicron’

SKYWARP: ‘Orson Welles as aft-face’. Epic. I like the theme song.

      ‘Co-Starring JOHN MOSCHITTA as Blurr’
      The scene changes to a view of Cybertron and its two moons.
      NARRATOR: It is the year 2005. The treacherous Decepticons…

STARSCREAM: (loudly) I object!

      NARRATOR: …have conquered the Autobots’ home planet of Cybertron…

STARSCREAM: (loudly) I object – wait… what? How did we manage that all of a sudden?

SKYWARP: Beats me.

THUNDERCRACKER: Did anyone notice how the narrator described Cybertron as “the Autobots’ home planet”?

SOUNDWAVE: Yes. But it’s our home as well.

STARSCREAM: We should write a formal letter of complaint.

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) To whom?

      LASERBEAK is seen flying from Cybertron to one of its moons.
      NARRATOR: But from secret staging grounds on two of Cybertron’s moons, the valiant Autobots prepare to retake their home land.
      Laserbeak flies past a manufacturing plant, then lands and protracts a telescopic video recording device from the top of his head, spying on the Autobots.

SOUNDWAVE: (proudly) Who needs Reflector when we have Laserbeak?!

STARSCREAM: Valiant Autobots, my afterburner! And the staging grounds can’t be much of a ‘secret’ if Laserbeak knows about them.

SOUNDWAVE: Correct. If Laserbeak knows, everyone knows.

      OPTIMUS PRIME: IRONHIDE, report to me at once!
      IRONHIDE: (viewing a monitor) Every time I look into a monitor, Prime, my circuits sizzle. (holds up a fist) When are we gonna start bustin’ Decepti-chops?

STARSCREAM: (to Ironhide) Then don’t look. Problem solved!

THUNDERCRACKER: Hey, would you replay that last bit? I thought I saw some of us on Ironhide’s monitor. (Starscream replays the last few seconds of the movie) Heh… was that you, Skywarp? And look, there’s Starscream! And SHOCKWAVE!

STARSCREAM: (excitedly pointing) You’re right. That was me!

SKYWARP: (laughs) Our two seconds of glory. We should enjoy it while we can.

      OPTIMUS PRIME: I want you to make a special run to Autobot City on Earth.

STARSCREAM: (Optimus Prime) I left my Kiss Players manga collection behind, and I need you to go get it for me.

      IRONHIDE: (protesting) But, Prime – !
      OPTIMUS PRIME: Listen, Ironhide, we don’t have enough energon cubes to power a full-scale assault. Ready the shuttle for launch!
      IRONHIDE: Your days are numbered now, Decepti-creeps.
      Ironhide runs outside and transforms into his vehicular mode, drives off.

STARSCREAM: Little does Prime know, Ironhide already has Prime’s Kiss Players collection stashed away somewhere.

THUNDERCRACKER: His days are definitely numbered if Prime finds out.

      OPTIMUS PRIME: (to a large monitor) JAZZ, report security status.
      JAZZ: (somewhere with CLIFFJUMPER) No sign of Decepticons here, Prime.

STARSCREAM: Did Cliffjumper just wave? Did anyone else notice that?

THUNDERCRACKER: (thinking) You know, if there were any sign of Decepticons, you’d think Jazz would have told Prime already.

SKYWARP: Maybe Prime just needed someone else to talk to, other than Ironhide.

      OPTIMUS PRIME: What about Moon Base Two?
      Jazz contacts Moon Base Two as the moon comes into view.
      JAZZ: Jazz to Moon Base Two. Jazz to Moon Base Two.
      BUMBLEBEE: (from Moon Base Two) Bumblebee and SPIKE here.
      JAZZ: (on monitor) We’re about to send up a shuttle. Any Decepticon shenanigans in your area?

THUNDERCRACKER: Does Bumblebee seem peeved? He looks peeved.

SKYWARP: Well, he has to put up with Spike. I’d be peeved, too.

      BUMBLEBEE: All clear, Ironhide.
      Spike hits a button, and Ironhide appears on a second monitor.
      SPIKE: Hey, Ironhide, tell my son Daniel I miss him.

THUNDERCRACKER: (imitating Spike) Hey, Ironhide, tell my son Daniel I’d rather hang out with Bumblebee than spend quality time with him.

SKYWARP: (imitating Ironhide’s accent) Why don’t you just tell him yourself, loser.

      SPIKE: And tell him not to worry. I’ll be coming home as soon as we’ve kicked Megatron’s tail across the galaxy.
      Ironhide and PROWL are seated at the shuttle’s controls, as Spike’s image appears on the monitor in front of them.

STARSCREAM: Did you hear that, Megatron? They’re going to kick your tail right across the galaxy!

MEGATRON: He won’t be going home any time soon, then.

      IRONHIDE: Will do, Spike. (thumbs up)
      The view switches back to Optimus Prime.
      OPTIMUS PRIME: Cliffjumper, commence countdown.
      The view sweeps across the large monitors, showing Cybertron and its moons, and the shuttle.
      View of Cliffjumper with Jazz standing behind him.
      CLIFFJUMPER: Five, four, three, two, one. Blast off!
      The shuttle’s engines fire up as the shuttle takes off.

STARSCREAM: Well, at least now we know that Cliffumper can count backwards.

SKYWARP: (laughs) That’s all he’s good for.

      View of Optimus Prime with Jazz and Cliffjumper.
      OPTIMUS PRIME: Now, all we need is a little energon… and a lot of luck!
      Laserbeak takes off in the background.

STARSCREAM: Wait just one second. How did Jazz and Cliffjumper magically appear alongside Optimus Prime?

SKYWARP: They wrote the script, remember? They can do whatever they want.

      Laserbeak returns to Cybertron. Shockwave and Soundwave watch.
      SHOCKWAVE: Laserbeak returrns, Megatron.
      MEGATRON: Welcome, Laserbeak. (his monitor is emitting an eerie green glow as Laserbeak lands on Megatron’s forearm) Unlike some of my other warriors, you never fail me. (looks at Starscream, who turns around and gives Megatron a hurt look)

STARSCREAM: (exaggerating) Surely you don’t mean me, Megatron?!

MEGATRON: Of course not, Starscream. I meant Soundwave. (Soundwave gives Megatron a look) Joking.

      MEGATRON: Soundwave, play back Laserbeak’s findings.
      Laserbeaks flies towards Soundwave. He transforms into his cassette mode and then inserts himself into Soundwave’s chest compartment. Soundwave transforms into his tape recorder mode.
      SOUNDWAVE: As you command, Megatron.
      Soundwave connects to a computer terminal and Laserbeak’s recording of Optimus Prime appears on the monitor.
      OPTIMUS PRIME: I want you to make a special run to Autobot City on Earth.
      IRONHIDE: (protesting) But, Prime – !
      Megatron is thoroughly enjoying the recorded conversation.
      OPTIMUS PRIME: Listen, Ironhide, we don’t have enough energon cubes to power a full-scale assault. Ready the shuttle for launch!
      OPTIMUS PRIME: Now, all we need is a little energon… and a lot of luck!
      MEGATRON: More than you imagine, Optimus Prime!
      We expect Megatron to laugh “evilly”, but he does not do so as the scene fades out.

STARSCREAM does an (rather poor) imitation of Megatron’s “evil” laugh.

THUNDERCRACKER: (sarcastic) Yeah, how could they have left that out?

      Scene changes to shuttle flying past an asteroid in space. Prowl and Ironhide are at the controls, when a violent rumble is heard as the shuttle vibrates. Suddenly, the side of the shuttle explodes and Megatron (and a few Constructicons behind him) appears through the blast hole. He forces his way inside the shuttle.
      BRAWN: Megatron!

THUNDERCRACKER: (sarcastic) Who didn’t see that coming?

STARSCREAM: (Brawn) Why didn’t you let us know you were coming, Megatron?

THUNDERCRACKER: (Megatron) We heard you were having a tea party, and thought we’d liven it up a little.

      Brawn leaves his seat in a hurry to confront the Decepticons (SCAVENGER beside Megatron, Starscream, more Constructicons), who have boarded the shuttle!
      BRAWN: Decepticons!

STARSCREAM: (Brawn) It’s so nice of you to join us for tea!

SCAVENGER: (excitedly pointing) Hey, look, that’s me right there!

SKYWARP: (laughs) Did you remember to bring the sugar?

      MEGATRON: Die, Autobots!

THUNDERCRACKER: Glorious.

STARSCREAM: Provocative.

SKYWARP: …Magnificent.

SOUNDWAVE: Legendary.

SCAVENGER: …Profound.

      Megatron transforms into his gun mode, and Starscream catches him. BONECRUSHER is standing beside them. Epic Decepticon music plays (Instruments of Destruction by N.R.G.).

STARSCREAM: (Starscream) Oh Megatron, how I long to hold you and pull your trigger!

MEGATRON: (Megatron) Don’t talk, Starscream. Just do.

SKYWARP: Guys, guys… this is a movie meant for kids, remember?

STARSCREAM: Don’t spoil the fun, Skywarp. We’re just getting started.

    Starscream fires Megatron and blasts Brawn, who falls with his face to the floor, damaged and likely dead.

STARSCREAM: (shocked) Did we just kill Brawn with one blast?!

SKYWARP: (shocked) Holy scrap…

THUNDERCRACKER: (shocked) Why couldn’t we have done that in the series?

STARSCREAM: (shocked) We just killed Brawn… I don’t believe it.

Starscream rewinds the movie to replay Brawn’s death scene, as the rest of the Decepticons watch in quiet shock.

STARSCREAM: Holy scrap…

SKYWARP: (laughs) This is not a good sign.

    The scene changes to a view of the front of the shuttle. Starscream is pointing Megatron towards the remaining Autobots (Ironhide, RATCHET, Prowl), aiming first at Ironhide but then targeting Prowl as he jumps from his seat and runs towards Starscream, firing his blaster. It misses Starscream but hits the shuttle behind Scavenger. Scavenger fires back, hitting Prowl in the chest. Prowl’s optics turn yellow, then black, as smoke pours forth from his mouth. Prowl falls to the floor in flames, dead.

SCAVENGER: (shocked) Wow… did you guys see that?

SKYWARP: (laughs) Someone should have warned Prowl never to piss you off. You ain’t no pushover.

SCAVENGER: (excitedly) Rewind it! I want to see that again.

Starscream rewinds the movie for him, and the Decepticons watch the scene again as Scavenger kills Prowl with a single shot from his blaster.

THUNDERCRACKER (to Scavenger): I think you’ve just earned yourself the title of “Most Bad-Ass Decepticon of All Time”. (laughs) I didn’t think you had it in you.

SCAVENGER: Neither did I!

SKYWARP: (laughs) That is so bad-ass…

STARSCREAM: Yes, we’re proud of you, Scavenger. How did you do it?!

SCAVENGER: (thinking) It… it must have been the power of visualization!

The Decepticons laugh.

     Ratchet charges forward, firing at the Decepticons. Ironhide also leaves his seat to stand near Ratchet, then fires at the Decepticons as well. Ratchet delivers a volley of blasts at a rapid rate, alternating his two blasters, aiming at Scavenger. Scavenger is thrown backwards with the impact of the blasts. Starscream and MIXMASTER look on, while SCRAPPER is shielding his face with his hands. A moment later, Scrapper, Mixmaster and Starscream start firing back.

SCAVENGER: (to Ratchet) Hey, watch it!

SKYWARP: (Ratchet) Bother, my firepower setting’s still on low…

STARSCREAM: (Starscream, loudly) No! Foolish Autobots, you’re ruining the tea party!

SCRAPPER: And to think, we even brought the fuel along…

MIXMASTER: Yes! That’s the thanks we get!

SKYWARP: (Scrapper) Take that, Autobums! You’re all goin’ dooown, aft-hats!

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) I’d have loved to hear Scrapper say ‘aft-hats’ in the series…

      Several more shots are fired, including three from Starscream (holding Megatron). Both Ironhide and Ratchet go down in smoke, likely dead.

STARSCREAM: (Starscream, shocked) But… but… we only meant to teach you Autobots a peaceful lesson!

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) Yeah… share the butter with us next time.

SKYWARP: Somehow I don’t think there’ll be a next time.

STARSCREAM: Who’s going to cook for us now?!

SKYWARP: And do our laundry.

      View changes to a wide shot of the Decepticons (from left to right: Scrapper, Mixmaster, Starscream, LONG HAUL, HOOK, Bonecrusher). Megatron jumps out of Starscream’s hand, transforming back to robot mode.
      MEGATRON: This was almost too easy, Starscream.

SKYWARP: You can say that again.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah, I don’t like it… something’s wrong.

SKYWARP: Uh… you mean other than the fact that our blasters have suddenly started working?

STARSCREAM: (Starscream) Some tea party this turned out to be!

      STARSCREAM: Much easier, almighty Megatron, than attacking the real threat – the Autobots’ Moon Base!
      While Starscream is speaking, the view momentarily changes to a wide shot of the front of the shuttle, where Ironhide, Ratchet, Prowl and Brawn are sprawled on the floor. Decepticons fly into shot and take over the shuttle’s controls (from left to right: SHRAPNEL, Skywarp, SOUNDWAVE, DIRGE).

STARSCREAM: (Starscream) Much easier, almighty Megatron, than attacking the real threat – the giant aft-hole that’s floating out there in space!

SKYWARP: I don’t think we’re supposed to know about that yet.

STARSCREAM: Oh. (thinking) Never mind, then.

      MEGATRON: You’re an idiot, Starscream. (pauses) When we slip by their early warning systems in their own shuttle and destroy Autobot City, the Autobots will be vanquished forever!
      While Megatron speaks, Starscream’s expression changes from contented to hurt. The view changes to Soundwave, Megatron and Skywarp. KICKBACK has replaced Shrapnel.

STARSCREAM: (Starscream) You really need to chillax, Megatron!

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) Chillax?

SOUNDWAVE: Chillax…

SKYWARP: (to Megatron) Here, have a joy stick.

MEGATRON: Yes, I think I will.

SHRAPNEL: Now you see me, now you don’t, don’t…

      The scene shows Megatron’s feet as he walks past Ironhide. Ironhide reaches out to him.
      IRONHIDE: No!

STARSCREAM: (Ironhide) Don’t tell Prime I have his Kiss Players collection!

      MEGATRON: Such heroic nonsense!
      Megatron blasts Ironhide at point blank range. The shuttle is seen flying off into space.

STARSCREAM: (Megatron) No amount of Kiss Player power can save you now, Auto-butt!

SKYWARP: If he’d just played dead and kept his mouth shut, he might have survived that shuttle attack.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah, it doesn’t seem to be Ironhide’s day today, does it?

Break.

(to be continued…)

Welcome back, and I hope you’ve all enjoyed the commentary so far. And now for Part 2…

Decepticons’ commentary: The Transformers: The Movie (1986)

After a short Intermission, the Decepticons return.

      Scene changes to a scenic setting with a pond, fir trees and mountainous terrain in the background (presumably on Earth near Autobot City). HOT ROD and DANIEL are seated on a rock, fishing. Yes, fishing.

STARSCREAM: He must be one of the new Autobots. Maybe it’s Wreck-Gears or Hot Stick.

THUNDERCRACKER: Hey, how do you know he’s not a Decepticon?

SKYWARP: (laughs) Well, unless he’s one of those New Age Decepticons… besides, he’s hanging out with Spike’s kid.

STARSCREAM: (Daniel) My dad spends all his time with Bumblebee these days. He’s forgotten I even exist! I wish I weren’t a Witwicky.

SKYWARP: (Daniel) Hey, Hot Stick? Will you be my new dad?

      HOT ROD: Fish are jumpin’ today, huh, Danno?
      Daniel looks miserable.
      DANIEL: I guess so.
      HOT ROD: Hey, what’s the matter?
      DANIEL: Ah, I don’t know, Hot Rod.

SKYWARP: (Hot Rod) It’s about your dad, isn’t it? Just forget about him, everyone knows he’s a loser.

STARSCREAM: (Hot Rod) Here, I’ve got something that’ll cheer you right up!

THUNDERCRACKER: The kid’s too young for that, Starscream.

MEGATRON: I’ll have another stick if the kid doesn’t want it.

      A fish swims past the fishing line in the water.
      HOT ROD: Come on, you can tell me!
      DANIEL: Guess I just… miss my dad.
      HOT ROD: Don’t worry, Spike’ll be back soon – oh, hey! I got something!
      Hot Rod has caught a fish.

THUNDERCRACKER: They’ll be eatin’ well tonight!

STARSCREAM: (Hot Rod) Remember, just don’t ask your dad about his relationship with Bumblebee and everything’ll work out just fine, you’ll see.

SKYWARP: (Daniel) Hot Rod, you’re the greatest! Will you teach me all about the birds and the bees?

STARSCREAM: (Hot Rod) No… but you can ask Bumblebee.

      Hot Rod reels in the fish.
      DANIEL: Whoa, look at the size of it!
      HOT ROD: Yep, it’s a whopper alright!
      Hot Rod holds up the fish, as it struggles on the end of his fishing line.

STARSCREAM: They had better be talking about the fish…

The Decepticons laugh.

      Something begins to beep. Daniel retrieves a tracking device from his pocket, and gets excited.
      DANIEL: Hot Rod, the shuttle’s coming. Let’s watch it land!
      HOT ROD: Talk about dull, Daniel.
      Hot Rod throws the fish back into the water.
      DANIEL: Hurry, or we’ll miss it!
      Daniel jumps to his hoverboard and shoots away, as Hot Rod follows after him. The song Dare by Stan Bush begins playing.

STARSCREAM: (Daniel) I can’t wait to tell everyone you’re my new dad, Hot Rod!

SKYWARP: (Hot Rod): Slow down, kid. Can we talk about this first?

      Daniel hits his hoverboard against a rock and is thrown off, but Hot Rod catches him mid-air.
      HOT ROD: If you’re gonna ride, Danno, ride in style!
      Hot Rod transforms, placing Daniel inside his car mode. Daniel peers out the windscreen to see a view of Autobot City in the distance.
      DANIEL: Hey, let”s stop here!
      HOT ROD: Why settle for a peek, Daniel, when you can see everything from Lookout Mountain?

STARSCREAM: They had better still be talking about that fish…

      The view changes to a road blocked by a ‘STOP’ sign. One Autobot is directing three others (HUFFER, HOUND and BLUESTREAK) as they move some sort of framework into position.
      KUP: A little to the left! (waves) A little bit more.
      Kup sees Hot Rod and Daniel speeding right towards him, and crashes straight through the ‘STOP’ sign (which includes the words ‘THIS AREA OFF LIMITS’), knocking Kup out of the way. Hot Rod continues to speed down the road.

STARSCREAM: Was that really necessary?

THUNDERCRACKER: He seems kinda reckless.

SKYWARP: Maybe he can’t read the sign?

      KUP: (pointing) Turbo-revvin’ young punk! I’ll straighten you out yet.
      Hot Rod stops at a platform (Lookout Mountain) and Daniel jumps out in time to see the shuttle in the sky. He runs after it as Hot Rod transforms into robot mode. Daniel looks through a telescope, aiming it towards the shuttle.
      DANIEL: Hot Rod, look! There’s a hole in the shuttle!

STARSCREAM: Uh-oh. Who knew someone would’ve noticed that minor detail?

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah. I guess we should’ve planned this whole attack on Autobot City a little more carefully, huh?

SKYWARP: Not to worry. We’ll keep it in mind for next time.

      HOT ROD: What?
      Hot Rod focuses his sights on the shuttle, targeting Starscream.
      HOT ROD: Decepticons!
      Hot Rod starts firing at the shuttle. A close up of the hole in the shuttle reveals Scrapper, Bonecrusher, Starscream, Scavenger, and an unidentifiable Constructicon. Starscream is thrown backwards into the shuttle.

STARSCREAM: I wasn’t even hit!

SKYWARP: (laughs) It’s the cheap acting.

      The view changes to the Autobots at the no-thru road looking up at laser fire and the shuttle in the sky. Lookout Mountain is in the distance. From left to right: Kup, Hound, Huffer, Bluestreak, SUNSTREAKER).
      KUP: What’s that darn fool doing?
      Close up of Hot Rod firing.

STARSCREAM: Hot Rod’s upset he wasn’t invited to the tea party.

THUNDERCRACKER: That old guy must have not seen the return fire coming from the shuttle…

      Close up of the shuttle as Decepticons fire back. Then a single blast actually penetrates right through the shuttle, causing an eruption of flames. Several Decepticons are seen evacuating (Hook, Megatron, Soundwave, Scavenger, Skywarp).

SKYWARP: There’s no fraggin’ way a single shot like that could have penetrated straight through that shuttle.

STARSCREAM: Kind of like killing an Autobot with a single shot?

SKYWARP: I see your point.

      MEGATRON: Attaaack!
      Several Decepticons fly through the air. Megatron fires a shot from his fusion cannon down towards Lookout Mountain, but misses the platform entirely.
      HOT ROD: Daniel!
      Hot Rod picks up Daniel and runs to safety. A second shot targets the platform, causing it to burst into flames before the entire thing collapses.

THUNDERCRACKER: I call bull s***. There’s no way Megatron could have missed his target on that first shot.

      DANIEL: Ahhhh!
      Hot Rod floats down towards the ground, holding onto Daniel. BLITZWING transformers from his jet mode to his robot mode, landing nearby, as Shrapnel flies past him. Blitzwing transforms into his tank mode.
      BLITZWING: Come on down, Auto-brat!
      Blitzwing targets Hot Rod with his barrel. Kup approaches from the road behind Blitzwing, jumps then transforms into his vehicle mode and speeds towards Blitzwing. He transforms back into robot mode, swings around Blitzwing’s barrel as it charges up, then forces it off target. The blast misses Hot Rod as he moves out of the way, and hits Shrapnel instead.

BLITZWING: Outmanoeuvred by the old guy.

THUNDERCRACKER: Scavenger, where are ya when we need your powers of visualization, buddy?

      Shrapnel falls out of the sky, hits the top of a cliff and then crashes onto the road below. He bounces off the road and slams into Blitzwing, who is overthrown by the impact as they both tumble away out of shot.

BLITZWING: There’s no fraggin’ way I can be thrown about like that. Not from the force of your impact, Shrapnel.

SHRAPNEL: And there’s no way I’d bounce around like that after falling from the sky. I call bull s***, bull s***.

THUNDERCRACKER: The Transformers: regularly defying the laws of nature since 1984.

SKYWARP: (laughs) Hey, Shrapnel, say bull sh*** again.

SHRAPNEL: …Bull s***, bull s***.

The Decepticons laugh.

      Hot Rod slides down a cliff still holding Daniel. He approaches Kup.
      HOT ROD: Huh. Not bad for an old timer.
      KUP: (cranky, pointing) Old timer? That’s something you’ll never be if you don’t get back to the City.
      Hot Rod and Kup look up and behind them to see Starscream transforming into jet mode and heading straight for them.
      HOT ROD: Save it, Kup!
      They duck out of the way just in time to avoid Starscream’s laser fire.
      HOT ROD: Let’s burn rubber!
      Hot Rod and Kup transform into their vehicle modes and race off. In the distance, Autobot City is under attack.

SKYWARP: (Daniel) Hey, old guy, will you be my grandad?

      Scene changes to PERCEPTOR in Autobot City, who transforms into his telescope/microscope mode. He focuses his lense to the sky, where he picks up Decepticons flying towards his location (Megatron and several jets). He transforms back to robot mode.

STARSCREAM: That’s one tough-looking Autobot. Wouldn’t want to go up against him in battle.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah, he might examine you to death.

      PERCEPTOR: ULTRA MAGNUS, a cursory evaluation of the situation of Decepticon capability indicates a distinct tactical deficiency.

THUNDERCRACKER: He talks kinda funny, too.

      Four new Autobots join up with Perceptor (from left to right: SPRINGER, Ultra Magnus, ARCEE, BLURR).
      ULTRA MAGNUS: In other words, Perceptor?

SKYWARP: (Perceptor) In other words, Ultra Magnus, a cursory evaluation of my linguistic capability indicates a distinct geekiness.

      SPRINGER: We’re outnumbered.
      Springer activates a laser weapon from his forearm and aims it up towards Starscream. Enemy fire hits the ground, dispersing the small group. Ultra Magnus is thrown to the ground, but then picks himself up again.
      ULTRA MAGNUS: Springer, (pointing) you and Arcee transform Autobot City. Perceptor, tell BLASTER to radio Prime for reinforcements.
      BLURR: (fast) What about me, Magnus, what about me? Mha-mha-mha? I can help, I wanna help. What about me?

THUNDERCRACKER: Who accidentally hit the Fast Forward button?

STARSCREAM: No one. I think he just talks that way.

SKYWARP: What the frag is wrong with that Autobot?

THUNDERCRACKER: You mean other than his addiction to stardust?

STARSCREAM: Yes, that must be what is wrong with the younger generation.

      ULTRA MAGNUS: Blurr, you can help me alert the others.
      BLURR: (fast) Absolutely, positively, definitely. Nobody can get the job done faster than I can, nobody, nobody, nobody!

SKYWARP: If he doesn’t come down slowly, he’s gonna crash.

THUNDERCRACKER: Hard.

      Ultra Magnus and Blurr transform and drive off, while Springer leads Arcee by the hand.
      SPRINGER: Come on, Arcee, let’s go!

SKYWARP: (Arcee) How can you be thinking about that at a time like this?

      ARCEE: But Hot Rod and Kup are still outside the City.
      Arcee activates her visor and focuses her sights on the road behind her in the distance. She sees the two Autobots speeding along the road as they are being fired at. Springer grabs her by the forearm, forces her towards the City.
      SPRINGER: We can’t wait. They’ll have to take care of themselves. Come on!

THUNDERCRACKER: I’ll bet he wears the cast-iron pants in that relationship.

      Springer and Arcee set in motion the process for the transformation of Autobot City, as gears begn to move and a heavy door starts to  close. They start running, as Starscream fires at them from close range.
      STARSCREAM: Pathetic fools! There’s no escape!

STARSCREAM: (Starscream) Stop! Once you’ve fallen for each other, there’s no turning back!

      Springer and Arcee arrive at a closing door and escape through it as it closes. Starscream transforms to robot mode. He realises that the ceiling is closing fast and flies straight up through the narrowing gap, but his foot gets caught. He struggles to break free, but when he realises that he will shortly be flattened by two approaching interlocking panels, he shoots at his own foot.
      STARSCREAM: Ow, my foot!
      Starscream, having narrowly escaped, flies away.

STARSCREAM: That’s the thanks I get for trying to help them with their relationship problems!

SKYWARP: (laughs) They’re fools not to listen to your advice, Starscream.

THUNDERCRACKER: Pathetic fools…

      Arcee operates more controls as Autobot City transforms. Megatron fires two shot with his cannon at a door, but it does no damage.
      MEGATRON: Breach their defenses!
      Shrapnel and Kickback fly towards Autobot City and begin eating through the steel.
      KICKBACK: Delicious, hey, Shrapnel?
      SHRAPNEL: Eh, a little heavy on the electrons, electron.

Kickback makes a loud belching sound.

SHRAPNEL: Where are your manners, manners?

      Hot Rod and Kup approach Shrapnel and Kickback.
      KUP: The Insecticons are in our way.
      HOT ROD: Wrong. They’re our way in. Yah!
      Hot Rod races past the Insecticons and straight through the hole that they’d chewed. Kup follows his lead, crushing Kickback’s head and knocking Shrapnel away as he goes past. The hole in the wall is sealed up by another bulkhead.

KICKBACK: (Kickback, rubbing his head) Hey, watch where you’re going, old timer!

THUNDERCRACKER: Go easy on him, he probably forgot his optic lenses.

SKYWARP: (laughs) Optic lenses…

KICKBACK: (Kickback, angry) Eh, well… that’s still no excuse!

     The scene changes to an aerial view of Autobot City under attack, as Decepticons fly towards it. Amongst them are Soundwave, Starscream and THUNDERCRACKER.

THUNDERCRACKER: (cynically) Oh, look at me, I’ve finally decided to join the party.

STARSCREAM: (Starscream) Did you bring more of the good stuff? We’re probably going to need it.

     A transmission turret with a large barrel is firing into the sky, as Long Haul flies towards it, firing back. Blaster is seated at the turret’s controls.
     BLASTER: Look out and shout! Ow!
     Perceptor emerges from a hatch in the floor.
     BLASTER: Hey, Perceptor, what’s shakin’, other than this fortress?

STARSCREAM: I’m starting to wonder whether any of these next generation Autobots are able to set a good example for the kids.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah. Autobot City? Crack City, more like…

STARSCREAM: You would know all about that stuff, wouldn’t you, ‘Cracker?

Thundercracker laughs.

SKYWARP: It’s no wonder they want to defend their City at all costs…

      PERCEPTOR: Blaster, Ultra Magnus sends orders to contact Optimus Prime on Moon Base One.
      BLASTER: Alright! Cover your receptors, Perceptor.
      Blaster transforms into his tape deck mode.
      BLASTER: Optimus Prime, do you read me? The Decepticons are blitzing Autobot City. We’re really taking a pounding! Don’t know how much longer we can hold out.

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) Soundwave’s finally met his match.

SOUNDWAVE: Never…

      As Blaster is relaying his message, we see several Decepticons firing at Autobot City (from left to right: unidentifiable Decepticon, Bonecrusher, Scavenger, Scrapper, unidentifiable Decepticon, Starscream, Megatron, THRUST, Soundwave, RAMJET, Thundercracker). Then a closer view (from left to right) of Ramjet, Soundwave, Thrust, Megatron, Starscream.
      MEGATRON: (pointing) Soundwave, jam that transmission!
      SOUNDWAVE: Rumble, Frenzy, Ravage, Ratbat: eject. Operation: Interference.
      Soundwave’s chest compartment opens and the four cassetticons fly out, then transform into their robot modes. But we see two Frenzies and no Rumble.

RUMBLE: (peeved) Hey, they screwed up my intro scene!

FRENZY: (as first Frenzy) Sorry… (as second Frenzy) Sorry.

RUMBLE: Ha ha, that’s real funny.

THUNDERCRACKER: Hey, what do you expect from a low budget flick with cheap acting?

      The cassetticons land on the turret. This time Rumble is shown. Blaster’s message is repeated, as Rumble and Frenzy forcibly remove the satellite dish from the top of the transmission turret.
      BLASTER: Optimus Prime, do you read me? The Decepticons are blitzing Autobot City. We’re really taking –

RUMBLE: Don’t mind us, maintenance crew comin’ through!

FRENZY: Heh, yeah. Looks like your satellite dish is gonna need replacing.

      Rumble, Frenzy and Ravage drop down onto the glass ceiling of the control room. Blaster jumps out of his chair, transforming to robot mode.
      RUMBLE: First we crack the shell, then we crack the nuts inside!
      Rumble uses his piledrivers to break the glass, and he drops down into the control room, landing on Perceptor. Perceptor fights off Frenzy and Ravage. Rumble and Ratbat cling to Perceptor.
      PERCEPTOR: Run, Blaster! Save yourself!

SKYWARP: (imitating Megatron) Such heroic nonsense!

      BLASTER: No way, two can play!
      Blaster kicks Ravage away as Ravage pounces towards him.
      BLASTER: Sic em’!
      Blaster opens up his chest compartment, ejecting his cassettebots Steeljaw, Ramhorn, Eject (turns into Rewind) and Rewind. Steeljaw pushes Rumble off Perceptor, then Ramhorn chases Ratbat off Perceptor. Perceptor transforms into microscope mode. Eject steps over Perceptor, but then appears again in the same shot from the oppsite side, chasing Ravage and firing a shot at him.
      PERCEPTOR: Do you think you got through to Prime?
      BLASTER: Let’s hope so, ’cause if I didn’t, we’re all gonna look like burned out toaster ovens.
      Perceptor and Blaster look off screen, and a shot of the mini-cassettes comes into view. Rewind blasts Ravage. Eject seems to overpower Frenzy after a brief struggle. Rumble and Ratbat are pinned down.

RUMBLE: Come on! We can take those bozos any day of the week!

FRENZY: Yeah, I call bull s***!

SKYWARP: Shrapnel?

SHRAPNEL: …Bull s***, bull s***!

The Decepticons laugh.

Break.

(…to be continued)

Decepticons’ commentary: The Transformers: The Movie (1986)

The Decepticons return after a break.

      Bonecrusher and Long Haul are attacking a turret and satellite dish. Blurr is firing at Decepticons from a walkway.
      BLURR: (fast) We’ve got Decepticons at the gates, Decepticons in the outer, Decepticons inside the walls, Decepticons, Decepticons, Decepticons! If we beat ’em off the walls, then they’ll shoot from the air, if we shoot ’em out of the air, then they’re still at the gates, so where does that leave us? Nowhere, that’s where!

SPYWARP: Can that guy talk any faster? Seriously, my head’s spinning.

THUNDERCRACKER: Try listening to him on Fast Forward.

Starscream rewinds the movie and replays Blurr’s dialogue on Fast Forward.

SKYWARP: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah… that’s much better.

STARSCREAM: I think so.

      Kickback, Megatron, Soundwave and Thrust are seen flying closer. Then Megatron, Mixmaster, Kickback, Starscream, Shrapnel, Bonecrusher and Soundwave, Skywarp (transforming from jet to robot mode), Long Haul, Scavenger, Blitzwing (also transforming from jet to robot mode), Ramjet and Dirge (both also jet to robot), and Scrapper run up to and approach Autobot City’s walls. Megatron is facing the Decepticons. The scene changes to Springer running towards some heavy machinery (‘launcher’). Arcee is nearby dragging a deceased WINDCHARGER backwards. There is the body of another Autobot lying on the floor nearby (red, blue and white). Springer grunts with the effort of pushing against the launcher.
      SPRINGER: Come on, Arcee, we gotta get this launcher into place.
      While Springer is talking, Arcee is moved by seeing the dead bodies of Windcharger and WHEELJACK lying on the floor, her hand over her fuel pump.

STARSCREAM: (Arcee, shocked) Put that thing away. It’s over between us!

THUNDERCRACKER: Holy crap… isn’t that Windcharger and… what’s-his-name?

SKYWARP: Wheeljack?

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah. (reminiscing) We’ve fought him many times. You remember? Why, he’s practically family.

SKYWARP: Are you all right, Thundercracker? You sound like you’ve never seen a dead Autobot before.

THUNDERCRACKER: (sincerely) That’s because I haven’t. Have you?

SKYWARP: Well, sure… but not dead dead, if you know what I mean?

STARSCREAM: Springer has no empathy whatsoever. I knew their relationship was in trouble the moment I saw them together.

      SPRINGER: Megatron’s makin’ his big push, and we gotta push back!
      As Springer speaks, Arcee lends Springer a hand pushing the launcher. It begins to budge. Springer grunts with the effort. Kup runs in.
      KUP: Keep at it, Springer my boy, help’s at hand.
      Hot Rod and Daniel are right behind Kup, as Kup and Hot Rod join Springer and Arcee in pushing the launcher.
      KUP: Together now.
      Kup grunts with the effort. Daniel joins them, but his efforts are pointless.

SKYWARP: Remind me again why the Autobots like to have kids around? They seem kinda useless.

THUNDERCRACKER: Who, the kids or the Autobots?

SKYWARP: Haha, both. (thinking) Maybe it’s got something to do with relating to a younger audience.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah, ’cause giant transforming robots fighting each other just doesn’t do it for ’em.

      ARCEE: I was afraid you’d be trapped outside the City.
      HOT ROD: Mha, hey, I wasn’t worried for a micro-second.
      ARCEE: Then, you probably didn’t understand the situation.

STARSCREAM: (Arcee) I was alone with Springer. Are you worried now?

      Finally, the launcher is moved into position.
      KUP: That did it.
      Daniel climbs a ladder and peeks out to see Megatron and the Decepticons gathered together in the distance.
      MEGATRON: Constructicons, merge for the kill!
      DANIEL: Kup, Hot Rod, look!
      Scrapper and Mixmaster transform into their vehicle modes.
      KUP: Devastator.
      Scavenger and Long Haul transform and merge with Scrapper and Mixmaster. Hook and Bonecrusher complete DEVASTATOR, as his head emerges from his body.
      DEVASTATOR: Prepare for extermination!

SKYWARP: Devvy’s one mean son-of-a-glitch.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah. No one would dare keep him waiting at the check-out.

STARSCREAM: Yes, but can he handle the real threat…

SKYWARP: You mean aft-face?

      Devastator grabs a gun turret with one hand and crushes it, then he begins punching into a wall, denting it.
      SPRINGER: I’ve got better things to do tonight than die!
      Springer loads a missile into the launcher.

STARSCREAM: (Arcee) I’ll bet you do!

SKYWARP: (Springer) Want a feel of my missile, Arcee?

      Springer fires the missile, and it hits the wall near Devastator, who is unharmed by the blast. Springer loads and fires a second missile as Devastator continues to tear pieces of metal from the wall. As the second and third missiles hit, the Decepticons disperse, but Devastator manages to throw the shard of wall in the direction of the missiles, destroying the section of Autobot City where the Autobots are gathered. The Autobots disperse. Perceptor and an unknown yellow Autobot are firing their blasters. A full scale assault is now underway. The battle lasts through the night and into the early morning, where smoke is seen rising from Autobot City which is now in ruins.

SKYWARP: Looks like we mean business.

THUNDERCRACKER: This time.

STARSCREAM: Hm. But what’s the catch?

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah. Now I’m starting to worry, especially this early in the movie.

      MEGATRON: Their defenses are broken. Let the slaughter begin!
      Devastator forces entry into Autobot City by tearing apart a wall. Megatron raises his fusion cannon to fire, but then looks up and notices a shuttle approaching. A view inside the ship reveals Optimus Prime and SUNSTREAKER at the shuttle controls. The DINOBOTS are standing behind them, from left to right: SLAG, GRIMLOCK, SWOOP, SLUDGE.
      OPTIMUS PRIME: Dinobots, destroy Devastator!
      GRIMLOCK: Me, Grimlock, love challenge!
      Grimlock and the Dinobots exit the shuttle through a hatch in the floor.

THUNDERCRACKER: So, how many times now have the Dinobots challenged Devastator?

SKYWARP: If we end up losing because of the Dinobots, I’m quitting.

STARSCREAM: Quitting what?

SKYWARP: You know… just quitting. Everything. Starting over. You know?

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah, I think I know what he means.

STARSCREAM: You mean, starting over and joining the Care Bears?

SKYWARP: (laughing) Maybe. If they can defeat the Dinobots with their Care Stare thing or whatever the frag it is they do, they deserve some respect.

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) Some…

      As the Dinobots fly towards Autobot City, they transform in mid-air into their alt-modes. Grimlock says something inaudible. Devastator kicks Grimlock as he descends, slams down on Grimlock with both hands and then picks him up, holding the Dinobot above his head. As Devastator throws Grimlock off screen, SLAG rams into his right leg, knocking Devastator backwards into a wall. Swoop flies towards Devastator, and without making contact with him, Devastator falls backwards through the wall, making a large hole in it. The debris falls on Swoop, and he crashes to the ground. Devastator sits up.

SCRAPPER: What the slag? That flying turkey never even touched us.

SKYWARP: It’s the cheap acting. Don’t let it upset you.

THUNDERCRACKER: The mighty Devastator, defeated by cheap acting.

HOOK: Well… we’re not out for the count just yet.

      OPTIMUS PRIME: Megatron must be stopped…
      From a distance, Megatron and some Decepticons (Thrust? Soundwave, Blitzwing, Ramjet, some generic guys) are seen running towards Devastator. The shuttle has landed, and Optimus Prime stands outside it, with HOUND and Sunstreaker behind him.
      OPTIMUS PRIME: …No matter the cost.
      Optimus Prime transforms into his truck mode, and The Touch by Stan Bush begins to play.

THUNDERCRACKER: Uh-oh, I think he means business this time.

SKYWARP: I swear, if we end up getting scrapped because of him…

STARSCREAM: You’re going to demand your money back?

SKYWARP: Yeah, and then I’m going to find us a new agent.

THUNDERCRACKER: So… Prime’s got the Touch, now, and the Power, too.

STARSCREAM: Yes, he must’ve gotten laid.

Thundercracker laughs.

SKYWARP: That’s it, then. We’re all slagged.

      Optimus drives from the shuttle across the bridge to Autobot City. Megatron runs amid the ruins, followed by Soundwave, Ramjet, Thundercracker, Blitzwing, Shrapnel and Thrust. Optimus Prime comes skidding around the corner behind them. He slams into Thrust front on, catapulting him into the air. Then Optimus Prime runs into Shrapnel (Kickback is in the background with Soundwave and Blitzwing; they scatter), who drops his weapon. Optimus Prime aims for Blitzwing, but misses him as he flies upwards. As Optimus Prime runs into laser fire from Soundwave, Dirge, Ramjet and Thundercracker, he transforms into robot mode, then jumps high into the air, performing a somersault as he fires and hits Ramjet. Optimus Prime shoots at Thundercracker and then Soundwave, hitting them also. Finally Optimus Prime lands with his feet on the ground and starts shooting, first in one direction and then another. The scene then shows Optimus Prime firing at and hitting Dirge, who falls to the ground, but Kickback is hit and falls at the exact same time (even though Optimus’ weapon is aiming at Dirge). Behind them on the ground are Thundercracker, Soundwave and Shrapnel, who have also fallen.

SKYWARP: Yep, what’d I tell ya?

KICKBACK: Did you see that?

SHRAPNEL: Yes, it’s the cheap acting again, again.

KICKBACK: Well, at least it took more than one shot to kill us all.

SHRAPNEL: But we’re not dead yet, yet…

THUNDERCRACKER: Whatever happens… we fought valiantly… till the very end. We should all be proud.

STARSCREAM: Yes, but something still doesn’t add up. Optimus Prime single-handedly defeats no less than seven of us… without even breaking a sweat? I say there are only four words for that.

SHRAPNEL: …Bull s***, bull s***.

SKYWARP: Maybe he’s just really peeved ‘cos some Autobots actually died during the making of this movie.

STARSCREAM: Maybe. Or maybe it’s because he just got laid.

SKYWARP: Heh. Maybe.

      Megatron (smiling nervously?) watches the Decepticons’ defeat by Optimus Prime, then turns around as Optimus Prime approaches from behind.
      MEGATRON: Prime!
      OPTIMUS PRIME: One shall stand, one shall fall.
      MEGATRON: Why throw away your life so recklessly?

THUNDERCRACKER: They’re speaking cryptically again.

SKYWARP: Yeah, like some sort of secret code or word game or something.

STARSCREAM: (Optimus Prime) Megatron, I really need to use the waste extraction facility…

SKYWARP: (Megatron) Wait your turn, Prime! I was here first!

      OPTIMUS PRIME: That’s a question you should ask yourself, Megatron.
      MEGATRON: No, I’ll crush you with my bare hands!
      Megatron lunges towards Optimus Prime, and they both fall to the ground. Hot Rod notices the fight.
      HOT ROD: I gotta help Prime!
      KUP: Stay away, lad! That’s Prime’s fight!
      Hot Rod runs up a flight of stairs to reach Optimus Prime. Megatron is thrown to the ground by Optimus Prime.

SKYWARP: (Hot Rod) Hey, I’m the new hot shot hero in this movie!

THUNDERCRACKER: (Kup) You ain’t gonna win Arcee over like that, Hot Shot.

SKYWARP: (Hot Rod) Wanna bet? It hasn’t failed me yet.

      Megatron grabs a shard and throws it at Optimus Prime as he rushes towards Megatron. It pierces the front left side of his torso, stopping him momentarily in his tracks. Megatron fires his fusion cannon at Optimus Prime, but Optimus avoids the blast and continues to rush forwards. Optimus punches Megatron in the face with his right fist, causing Megatron to fall backwards. Megatron picks up a light saber?

THUNDERCRACKER: Ok, hold on a second. Something strange is definitely going on with this movie. First, we’ve got a giant aft, evil planet… then we’ve got Arcee, Springer and Hot Rod in a love triangle… then there’s Kup, the old, mentor guy… and now a strange, new, non-Cybertronian laser weapon. Is anyone else seeing what I’m seeing here?

SKYWARP: Huh, you’re right. Unicron is the Death Star… the love triangle between Arcee, Springer and Hot Rod is just like Princess Leia, Han Solo and the new hot shot hero, Luke Skywalker. The old guy, Kup, could be… Yoda… and the strange weapon, that’s a light saber. Yeah, I saw that movie, too.

STARSCREAM: So, you’re saying we’re in a cheap remake of Star Wars?

THUNDERCRACKER: Exactly.

STARSCREAM: And, of course, we all know who Megatron and Optimus Prime are supposed to be.

THUNDERCRACKER: True, but then Prime would have to die, and I don’t see how the Autobot-loving script writers are ever going to let their cherished leader die for real.

STARSCREAM: I agree.

      Megatron attacks Optimus Prime’s existing injury with the light saber, making it worse. A blue, electrical energy engulfs the injury, and Optimus steps back, cradling his injury with his hand. Megatron jumps high into the air, and is about to attack Optimus Prme again with the light saber, but Optimus Prime punches him away. Megatron kicks him with both feet. Optimus Prime tackles Megatron, but Megatron overpowers him.
      MEGATRON: I’ll rip out your optics!
      Optimus Prime manages to grab Megatron by the neck and shoulders, and throws him to the ground. Kup arrives at the scene.
      KUP: Finish him off, Prime! Do it now!

SKYWARP: (Kup) Quick, before the Touch wears off.

      Optimus Prime casually walks over to a ledge to pick up his blaster, then casually walks back to point it at Megatron, who is struggling to pick himself up.

THUNDERCRACKER: C’mon… Why is Megatron acting like he’s so badly injured?

STARSCREAM: That fight is rigged.

      Megatron notices a weapon lying on the ground, out of Optimus Prime’s sight. Megatron reaches out a hand to him.
      MEGATRON: No more, Optimus Prime! Grant me mercy, I beg of you!
      OPTIMUS PRIME: You, who are without mercy, now plead for it?
      As Optimus Primeis speaking, Megatron crawls slowly forwards, towards the weapon.
      OPTIMUS PRIME: I thought you were made of sterner stuff.
      Megatron grabs the weapon, and gets jumped on from behind by Hot Rod.
      HOT ROD: No, you don’t, Megatron!
      Optimus Prime tries to get a clear aim on Megatron with his blaster, but Hot Rod is in the way.
      OPTIMUS PRIME: Out of the way, Hot Rod!

STARSCREAM: (Optimus Prime) What the f*** are you doing, Hot Shot? Only I have the Touch to defeat Megatron!

THUNDERCRACKER: (Hot Rod) Maybe so, but at least I have Arcee!

SKYWARP: (Optimus Prime) So you think

      Megatron places Hot Rod into a head lock, and then blasts Optimus Prime in the same injured spot on his torso.
      MEGATRON: Fall! Fall!
      Megatron blasts Optimus Prime two more times, in the same spot. The third shot knocks Optimus Prime’s blaster out of his hand, and he falls backwards. Megatron pushes Hot Rod away.

THUNDERCRACKER: Huh… Hot Shot really screwed up big time.

STARSCREAM: He thinks too much of himself, or he’s really stupid. (the other Decepticons give him looks) …You don’t have to rub it in.

      With his weapon pointed at Optimus Prime, Megatron walks towards him, who struggles to get up.
      MEGATRON: Ah, I would have waited an eternity for this. It’s over, Prime.
      OTIMUS PRIME: Never!
      Optimus Prime swings both fists towards Megatron, hitting him in the chest and sending him flying backwards over a precipice. Megatron hits a ledge before he falls to the ground below. Some Decepticons rush towards him.

STARSCREAM: (Megatron) It’s over, Prime. Now, everyone will know about your obsession with Kiss Players.

THUNDERCRACKER: (Optimus Prime) Never!

      Optimus Prime feebly stands up to look over the edge of the precipice, holding a hand against his injury. He falters as Hot Rod rushes towards him and kneels down beside him.
      HOT ROD: Optimus… forgive me.

THUNDERCRACKER: (Hot Rod) Optimus… is it true, about Kiss Players?

STARSCREAM: (Optimus Prime) You so much as mention a word of that to anyone, and I’ll make sure you never grow up to know what it means to have the Touch.

      Soundwave, Starscream and Hook are standing around a fallen Megatron. Starscream walks up to Megatron.
      STARSCREAM: How do you feel, Mighty Megatron?
      Starscream kicks Megatron, then turns around.
      STARSCREAM: ASTROTRAIN, transform and get us out of here!

STARSCREAM: (Megatron) How do you think I feel, Starscream? Like crap, that’s how.

SKYWARP: (Starscream) You just need a nice, long, hot bath followed by a good recharge, and I promise you’ll feel much better in the morning.

      Starscream walks away. Hook and Soundwave also appear to be out of shot.
      MEGATRON: Uh… don’t leave me, Soundwave.
      Soundwave kneels beside Megatron.
      SOUNDWAVE: As you command, Megatron.
      Soundwave helps Megatron up.
      Astrotrain is seen running towards them in the distance, then transforms into his space train mode and drives closer. Mixmaster runs to catch up behind him. Skywarp and Thrust also run after Astrotrain to the left of the screen. Ramjet approaches from elsewhere to get to Astrotrain. Behind him, Long Haul is behind Ramjet, carrying Kickback. Scrapper is also running towards Astrotrain from a ledge one level above. The scene changes to a view of Soundwave avoiding enemy fire as he walks quickly towards Astrotrain, carrying Megatron in his arms. Rumble is right behind him, carrying Megatron’s fusion cannon. The next scene shows Arcee firing at Scrapper in the distance. Kup joins her. Soundwave and Megatron can be seen in the distance behind Scrapper. Scavenger appears from the right, running to catch up to the other Decepticons.
      ARCEE: The Decepticons are retreating!
      KUP: Prime did it. He turned the tide.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah… I’m still trying to work out how he did it, exactly.

SKYWARP: With the Touch, remember?

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) Yeah… ‘course.

     Thundercracker followed by Mixmaster run inside Astrotrain as they avoid laser fire. Then Soundwave and Megatron, followed by a badly drawn/colored Scavenger, and Rumble and the fusion cannon. The scene changes to a view from inside Astrotrain, as Mixmaster sits on the floor to the right beside Scavenger, who is standing. To the left, Thrust is sitting on the floor, looking defeated. Soundwave enters with Megatron, followed by Rumble and fusion cannon, and then Starscream.
     STARSCREAM: Astrotrain, take off!
     Immediately, Astrotrain’s rear ramp closes and his rockets ignite. He speeds down a ruined bridge before lifting off into the air, and then transforming into shuttle mode.

THUNDERCRACKER: So far… number of dead Autobots: 6, number of dead Decepticons: 0. I’d say we’re doing okay.

STARSCREAM: So far.

(…to be continued)

Well, so far the Decepticons are enjoying themselves, for the most part… but how will they fare when the crap really starts to hit the fan in this movie… Will they take it all in good stride? Will they walk out of the theater? Will they blow it up? Who knows? Not I. So, let’s just see what happens!

Decepticons’ commentary: The Transformers: The Movie (1986)

      Kup is leaning over a monitor displaying vital signs (red, green, yellow, blue). Daniel is behind him. The view pans to the left where Optimus Prime is lying on a berth. He looks like he is in bad shape. Standing to Prime’s left watching him are: Hot Sho- I mean, Rod, Ultra Magnus, Arcee, and Blurr, while Perceptor is studying him in microscope mode to his right. Sad music begins to play. Daniel runs over to Optimus Prime. Perceptor transforms into robot mode.
      PERCEPTOR: I fear… the wounds are fatal.

STARSCREAM: (shocked, mockingly) What? So… so, that’s it? Just like that? He’s dead? No more Optimus Prime?!

SKYWARP: (laughs) That’s the price he pays for cheating, I suppose…

RUMBLE: Oh, you mean with the Touch?

SKYWARP: Yeah. And the Power.

      DANIEL (sad): Prime, you can’t die!

STARSCREAM: (Daniel) Don’t leave me! Who’s going to tell my father he’s a total loser?

      Optimus Prime narrows his optics.
      OPTIMUS PRIME: Do not grieve…

STARSCREAM: (Optimus Prime) I’ve left my entire Kiss Players collection to you, Daniel. What more do you want?

      OPTIMUS PRIME: Soon… I shall be one with the Matrix.

THUNDERCRACKER: So… Prime’s going to join Neo?

      HOT ROD: (quietly) Prime!
      OPTIMUS PRIME: Ahh… ah… (turns his head to Ultra Magnus) Ultra Magnus. It-it is to you, old friend… ah. I shall pass the Matrix of Leadership… (points) as it was passed to me.
      ULTRA MAGNUS: But Prime, I am… I’m just a soldier – I… I’m not worthy.

THUNDERCRACKER: (Optimus Prime) Ultra Magnus… it’s either you… or Hot Shot. Now think about that for a minute before you start talking crap about unworthiness.

      Ultra Magnus takes Optimus’ hand in his as Optimus speaks.
      OPTIMUS PRIME: Oh – nor was I. But one day an Autobot shall rise from our ranks… and use the power of the Matrix to light… our darkest hour.

SKYWARP: Uh-oh – he’s talking all cryptic again.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah. And he’s psychic, too, now.

      Optimus lays his head back down and opens his chest compartment to reveal the Matrix. It is a sparkling crystalline structure encased in a shell. He removes it and holds it out to Ultra Magnus as he continues speaking.
      OPTIMUS PRIME: Until that day… till all are one.
      Optimus’ hand is shaking as he holds it out. It falls, and both Ultra Magnus and Hot Rod reach out to catch it.

SKYWARP: Heh. Who knew the Autobot Matrix of Leadership looked like a mini aft-face!

ASTROTRAIN: Say, do we have one of those?

THUNDERCRACKER: Uh… I dunno. Megatron?

MEGATRON: No.

STARSCREAM: Eh. We Decepticons don’t need a stupid MacGuffin.

     Hot Rod catches the Autobot Matrix of Leadership in his hands. He holds it up as it reacts by emitting pulses of light.

STARSCREAM: (Optimus Prime) Ugh. That… was not meant to happen.

      Hot Rod holds the Matrix out to Ultra Magnus, who takes it and places it in his chest. The view returns to the vital signs monitor, where it ‘flat lines’. Hot Rod, Arcee and Kup observe it with concern, and Arcee places a hand over her mouth in realization. The light from Optimus Primes’ optics pulse a few times, before it finally fades out. The Autobots and Daniel are all gathered around him. His colors turn to greyscale, and his head turns to the right as he dies. Daniel is crying, and the scene fades.

The Decepticons are quiet. There is a sense of fatedness about Prime’s death scene.

STARSCREAM: (trying to break the mood) Okay, so… what’s the count now? Autobots: 7, Decepticons: 0?

The Decepticons are quiet again.

SCAVENGER: (breaking the mood again) Do we really turn all greyscale when we… you know… die?

THUNDERCRACKER: Nah… that’s crap.

      The scene switches to a view of Unicron’s hole, which pulsates with yellow light and opens. Inside is a sphere with monitors covering its surface. A sequence of moving image scenes appear on the monitors: Optimus Prime removing a pulsating Matrix from his chest; Optimus Prime dropping the Matrix; Hot Rod picking it up; Hot Rod giving the Matrix to Ultra Magnus. As Unicron bellows out in anger, a violet wind is expelled briefly from his hole.

RUMBLE: Heh, aft-face just farted.

SKYWARP: Hey… I was going to say that.

      The next scene reveals Astrotrain flying erratically through space.
      ASTROTRAIN: Jettison some weight, or I’ll never make it to Cybertron!

THUNDERCRACKER: I suppose that whole ‘no weight in space’ thing’s been suspended for this script, then?

ASTROTRAIN: The only weight that needs to be jettisoned is this script…

      Inside Astrotrain, from right to left: Dirge, Thrust, Starscream, Scrapper, Bonecrusher, Blitzwing.
      STARSCREAM: Fellow Decepticons, Astrotrain has requested that we lighten our burden.
      View changes, from right to left: Long Haul, Hook, Bonecrusher.
      BONECRUSHER: In that case I say it is survival of the fittest.
      STARSCREAM: Do I hear a second on that?
      View changes, from right to left: Soundwave, Ramjet, Dirge, Thrust.
      SOUNDWAVE, RAMJET, DIRGE, THRUST: (raising their arms) Aye!
      STARSCREAM: (happy) And against?
      View changes, from right to left: Shrapnel, Skywarp, Bombshell, Thundercracker, Kickback. They are not in good shape.
      SHRAPNEL, SKYWARP, BOMBSHELL, THUNDERCRACKER, KICKBACK: (a hand pointing down) Nay!
      From right to left: Dirge, Thrust, Starscream, Scrapper, Bonecrusher, Blitzwing.
      STARSCREAM: The ‘Ayes’ have it!

THUNDERCRACKER: (pauses movie) Hold on a sec. Let’s just stop and think about what’s happening for a minute.

STARSCREAM: Just play the movie, Thundercracker. We already know that it makes no sense.

SKYWARP: Screamer’s right. It’s a lost cause. Don’t try and figure it out too much.

RUMBLE: Yeah, it started to go downhill the moment the Touch graced our screen.

FRENZY: Started? More like hit rock bottom.

Thundercracker plays the movie.

      Starscream walks over to the ‘Nays’. The other Decepticons walk towards them to push them out of the open hatch.
      VOICE 1: Do it!
      VOICE 2: Make room for others!
      VOICE 3: Don’t!
      Skywarp and then Thundercracker are thrown out of Astrotrain, followed by Shrapnel, Kickback and Bombshell. They fall downwards.
      Inside the shuttle facing the hatch: Bonecrusher, Ramjet, Soundwave on the right; Thrust, Dirge, Blitzwing, Scavenger on the left. Starscream walks to the open hatch holding Megatron in his arms, who is in a terrible condition.
      STARSCREAM: Oh, how it pains me to do this!
      MEGATRON: Wait! I still function!
      STARSCREAM: Wanna bet?!
      Starscream throws Megatron out of Astrotrain, who floats away.
      MEGATRON: Starscreaaaaaaaaaaaaam!!!
      Starscream watches Megatron jettison away and then closes the hatch as Astrotrain moves off.

Skywarp pauses movie.

RUMBLE: Hey, why’d you pause?

SKYWARP: Just need a minute.

ASTROTRAIN: Hey… does anyone else notice how my hatch is sometimes yellow but at other times isn’t? (no one answers) No? Oh… okay.

THUNDERCRACKER: That was painful to watch.

ASTROTRAIN: Come on… it isn’t that noticeable, is it?

SHRAPNEL: I don’t think he’s talking about your paint job, paint job.

Skywarp plays the movie.

      As Starscream dusts off his hands and then talks, Thrust, Ramjet and Blitzwing are looking at him; Thrust and Blitzwing exchange glances.
      STARSCREAM: Well… as Megatron has – how shall we say – departed, I nominate myself as the new leader!

THUNDERCRACKER: (pauses movie) I just want to point something out. Since when has the Second in Command ever needed to nominate for leadership? Think about that for a minute, script writers.

STARSCREAM: Hey, that’s right! I’ve never needed to before, so why now?

SKYWARP: Says it right there, doesn’t it? (slowly) Second… in… Command.

      View of the Constructicons from right to left: Bonecrusher, Scavenger, Long Haul, Mixmaster, Hook. Scrapper is in the foreground; he walks towards Starscream. As Scrapper talks, Bonecrusher, Mixmaster and Hook step forwards behind Scrapper.
      SCRAPPER: Wait! The Constructicons form Devastator, the most powerful robot. We should rule.
      SOUNDWAVE: Soundwave superior: Constructicons inferior!
      From right to left: Bonecrusher, Scrapper, Mixmaster.
      BONECRUSHER: Who are you calling inferior?
      Hook appears foreground left.
      HOOK: Nobody would follow an uncharismatic bore like you!
      Soundwave ejects Rumble, then Frenzy, then Ravage. Laserbeak ejects as Frenzy talks.
      RUMBLE: Hey! Nobody calls Soundwave uncrazimatic!
      FRENZY: Yeah! Let’s kick tailgate!

THUNDERCRACKER: (pauses movie) Uh… okay. I just want to say something… (pointing to Soundwave) Soundwave over here has never given a scrap about being leader. Isn’t that right, Soundwave?

SOUNDWAVE: Script: inferior.

SKYWARP: And why is everyone acting all crazy all of a sudden?

Thundercracker plays the movie.

      HOOK: Constructicons, unite!
      The Constructicons combine.
      RUMBLE: No way!
      Rumble and Frenzy use their pile drivers to topple and separate the Constructicons.
      Ravage jumps on Hook from behind. Then from right to left: Dirge fights Bonecrusher, Soundwave punches Hook, then is attacked by Blitzwing, who is attacked by Laserbeak and Ravage. In the background, Ramjet fights Scrapper, Dirge fights Mixmaster. Blitzwing crashes against the wall. View changes to Astrotrain shakily approaching Cybertron. Then a view of Skywarp and Thundercracker suspended in space, Megatron in foreground. They all look like crap.

SKYWARP: Why did we (indicating himself, Thundercracker and the Insecticons) end up looking like total scrap but the other guys didn’t?

THUNDERCRACKER: (bitterly) Maybe because they were enjoying their piña coladas and smoking their colitas while we were getting our afts kicked fighting the Autobots.

RUMBLE: Or, maybe the rest of us got touched by the Touch.

FRENZY: Touched by the Touch… yeah, that sounds wrong.

      Skywarp, Megatron, Kickback, Thundercracker, Shrapnel and then Bombshell float towards Unicron.
      UNICRON: Megatron!

SKYWARP: (pauses movie) Ha! Aft-face can talk!

RUMBLE & FRENZY: Skywarp!

SKYWARP: (plays movie) Okay, okay…

      UNICRON: Welcome, Megatron.
      As Unicron speaks, the violet wind forces Megatron backwards. Megatron scrapes the surface of one of Unicron’s horns to stop himself from being jettisoned back out into space. Then he floats back towards Unicron’s hole.
      MEGATRON: Who – who said that?

SKYWARP: Don’t be fooled by his evil charms, Megatron! Turn back now while you still can!

THUNDERCRACKER: (Unicron) I want the fifty credits you still owe me for the laundry detergent, Megatron!

      UNICRON: I… am Unicron.
      As Unicron speaks, the violet wind forces Megatron backwards again.
      MEGATRON: Show yourself!

SKYWARP: (imitating Unicron) I… am the giant aft-hole you see right in front of you!

      Megatron moves closer to Unicron again. The violet wind is emitted from Unicron’s hole every time he speaks, though it is no longer propelling Megatron backwards.
      UNICRON: I have summoned you here for a purpose.
      MEGATRON: (angry) Nobody summons Megatron!
      UNICRON: Then it pleases me to be the first.
      A wide shot shows Megatron, Thundercracker, Skywarp, and two Insecticons in space near Unicron’s horn.
      MEGATRON: State your business.
      UNICRON: This is my command: you are to destroy the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. It is the one thing – the only thing – that can stand in my way.

THUNDERCRACKER:  Seriously? The only thing that’ll stand in its way is the Autobot Matrix of Leadership?

STARSCREAM: Yes, never mind that it can eat entire worlds.

SHRAPNEL: (imitating Skywarp) And fart through its giant aft-hole, hole!

SKYWARP: (imitating Shrapnel) I call bull s****, bull s****!

SHRAPNEL: Hey… that’s my line, line!

      MEGATRON: You have nothing to fear. I have already crushed Optimus Prime with my bare hands!
      Megatron shields his face from the violet wind as he talks.
      UNICRON: You exaggerate.
      MEGATRON: The point is he’s dead, and the Matrix died with him!
      A view of inside Unicron shows colorful and odd shapes, as well as a glowing sphere connected to a larger one with holes in it.
      UNICRON: No… The point is you are a fool. The Matrix has been passed to their new leader, Ultra Magnus. Destroy it for me.
      MEGATRON: Why should I? What’s in it for me?

STARSCREAM: (Unicron) I can supply you with enough crank to last you and your entire army until the next Transformers movie…

      UNICRON: Your bargaining posture is rather dubious, but very well. I will provide you with a new body, and new troops to command.
      MEGATRON: And?

SKYWARP: (Megatron) And the crank?

      UNICRON: And nothing. You belong to me, now.
      MEGATRON: I belong to nobody!
      UNICRON: Perhaps I misjudged you.
      Unicron emits a harmful, red radiation.
      UNICRON: Proceed, on your way to oblivion.
      MEGATRON: Ahhhhh! No! No! I accept your terms! I accept! Ahhhhhhh!
      The red radiation turns green.
      UNICRON: Excellent.
      Megatron is reformatted into Galvatron with Unicron’s green radiation.
      UNICRON: Behold, Galvatron.

THUNDERCRACKER: What the hell just happened?

SKYWARP: Galvatron? (says the name to himself) Gal… va… tron? What kind of a name is that?

STARSCREAM: Where did Megatron go?

MEGATRON: I’m still here.

SKYWARP: Yeah… thankfully this is just a movie.

THUNDERCRACKER: You mean it’s someone’s idea of a joke.

      From right to left: Kickback, Shrapnel, Thundercracker, Skywarp and Bombshell are drawn in towards Unicron’s green light.
      UNICRON: And these… shall be your minions.
      From right to left: Kickback, Thundercracker, Shrapnel. Thundercracker is reformatted (into Scourge), followed by Kickback and Shrapnel (Sweeps).
      UNICRON: Scourge, the tracker. And his huntsmen, the Sweeps.
      From right to left: Bombshell, Skywarp. Bombshell is reformatted (into Cyclonus), followed by Skywarp (Armada).
      UNICRON: Cyclonus, the warrior, and his Armada. And this… shall be your ship.
      Unicron presents Galvatron with a new ship.
      UNICRON: Now, go. Destroy the Autobot Matrix.
      GALVATRON: I will rip open Ultra Magnus, and every other Autobot, until the Matrix has been destroyed.
      Galvatron blasts off towards his new ship using his cannon.
      GALVATRON: To Cybertron!
      As the ship flies away from Unicron, Cyclonus and four Sweeps fly around and then into the ship.
      UNICRON: Destroy the Matrix.

SKYWARP: (pauses movie) So… do we have another movie we can watch?

THUNDERCRACKER: Uh… nope. (awkward silence) Soooo…  does this mean we’re dead?

Skywarp shrugs.

KICKBACK: I’d say… yes.

SHRAPNEL: (quietly to himself) Dead, dead…

THUNDERCRACKER: Okay, so… what’s the count now, then? Autobots: 7… Decepticons… 6?

SKYWARP: Yeah, guess so.

STARSCREAM: At least we’re still one less than the Autobots…

THUNDERCRACKER: That’s only one less. One more Decepticon dies and the score’s even. And we’re not even halfway through the movie yet.

STARSCREAM: Well, are we watching the rest of it, or not? Because, we could always try the new My Little Pony movie instead…

THUNDERCRACKER: Ugh… no, just play it.

Skywarp plays the movie.

      The scene shows a raised platform, on which Decepticons are standing. There are more Decepticons gathered in front of the platform. On either side of the room, golden statues are displayed on individual platforms. The Decepticons on the platform includes Thrust, Astrotrain, Starscream and Ramjet, while amongst the Decepticons on the floor, Dirge, Soundwave and Blitzwing are present, and Thundercracker and Skywarp are clearly seen. There is the sound of trumpets playing.

SKYWARP: (pauses movie, points to himself and Thundercracker on the screen) Hey, look – that’s us! We’re still alive!

THUNDERCRACKER: They sure look like us, don’t they? And is that you, Kickback? Can’t quite make it out; the animation’s sloppy.

BOMBSHELL: Maybe Unicron was all just a bad dream?

SHRAPNEL: Yes! Yes!

STARSCREAM: So, there really is no such thing as Unicron, after all? It does sound like a ridiculous fairy tale invented just to scare little kids.

SKYWARP: Well, it even scared me… glad to see aft face’s not really real.

ASTROTRAIN: Yeah, I mean if you think about it… a planet-sized, planet-eating aft-hole that is hell-bent on destroying the Autobot Matrix? Why have we never even heard of him until now? And, why doesn’t he just eat Cybertron and everything on it, including Ultra Magnus and the Matrix, instead of going to all the trouble of creating Galvatron to do his bidding?

THUNDERCRACKER: My thoughts exactly.

STARSCREAM: That’s too smart for this movie.

THUNDERCRACKER: And besides, then the script writers would be out of a job.

Skywarp plays movie.

      Astrotrain is about to place a crown on Starscream’s head, but is distracted by trumpets playing, looks to left of screen. View changes to a row of Constructicons playing trumpets on left of screen, from closest: Scavenger, Hook, Long Haul, Mixmaster, Scrapper.

STARSCREAM: Who knew that the Constructicons could play trumpets so well.

SCAVENGER: Oh, we’re good at a lot of things…

THUNDERCRACKER: I’ll bet. You can blow your trumpets without even bothering to retract your face masks.

HOOK: Well, without meaning to blow our own trumpets, of course…

THUNDERCRACKER:  Ha ha. You know, I didn’t know this movie was supposed to be a comedy.

SCAVENGER: Where’s Bonecrusher?

SCRAPPER: Maybe he doesn’t know how to play the trumpet?

BONECRUSHER: Maybe I prefer the cello?

SCAVENGER: Well, that’s fair enough.

      STARSCREAM: Get on with the ceremony.
      The Constructicons stop playing and look at one another in confusion. Astrotrain tries to place the crown on Starscream’s head again, but is distracted again as the trumpets resume playing in the background. Starscream shoots the trumpets in half with one shot. From right to left: Astrotrain, Starscream, Ramjet. Astrotrain finally places the crown on Starscream’s head.

STARSCREAM: Is that a crown and a cape I’m wearing? I look like a complete dolt!

The Decepticons laugh.

THUNDERCRACKER: At least you haven’t been reformatted into one of Unicron’s minions.

SHRAPNEL: …Yet, yet.

      STARSCREAM: My fellow Decepticons, as your new leader, I –
      Starscream extends his right arm while speaking. Dirge listens but then turns to right of screen to look at something in alarm. Starscream looks to ight of screen in alarm as well. A view of the Decepticons on the floor are looking up towards the night sky, they see an aircraft approaching. Right to left: Skywarp, Shockwave, Thundercracker, Soundwave. Cyclonus, who is in jet mode, swoops in, sending the Decepticons running to get out of its way. From right to left (top): Scavenger, Hook, Long Haul, Mixmaster, Scrapper, Dirge. From right to left (center): Soundwave, Blitzwing, Kickback. From right to left (bottom): Thundercracker, Shockwave, Skywarp.

KICKBACK: (Kickback) Hey, watch where you’re going! Did you see that… that jet almost ran me over.

SKYWARP: (laughs) I don’t think you’re even supposed to be there.

KICKBACK: But that was me right there, and you and Thundercracker are also there, too!

THUNDERCRACKER: He’s got a point, you know.

ASTROTRAIN: Hey, who’s that little guy?

THUNDERCRACKER: What little guy?

ASTROTRAIN: You know, the one in the bottom left of the screen, next to Blitz.

Astrotrain rewinds the movie a few seconds and then pauses it. He points out the little guy.

RUMBLE: It’s definitely not me.

THUNDERCRACKER: Oh, yeah… then who the hell is he?

None of the Decepticons have any idea who that little guy is.

SKYWARP: Maybe he’s… just some cheap extra they hired.

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) They? Well, he’s no Decepticon I’ve ever seen.

DIRGE: Hey, wait a minute… isn’t he one of the Reflectors?

SKYWARP: It’s Warrior!

Starscream laughs.

      STARSCREAM: Who disrupts my coronation?
      The jet comes to a stop in front of Starscream. Galvatron jumps out of the open hatch at the top, and the jet transforms into Cyclonus.
      GALVATRON: Coronation, Starscream? This is bad comedy.

THUNDERCRACKER: True, but he doesn’t have to rub it in.

      STARSCREAM: Megatron? Is that you?
      GALVATRON: Here’s a hint!
      Galvatron transforms into his cannon mode, and blasts Starscream. Thrust, Astrotrain and Ramjet clear the platform. The ray from Galvatron’s cannon blast lingers on Starscream. Scavenger, Soundwave and Hook watch as Starscream turns black and disintegrates. Only the crown is left as it tumbles down the stairs, landing in front of Galvatron. Galvatron crushes the crown underfoot.

THUNDERCRACKER: Don’t worry, Starscream. The effects will wear off soon enough.

STARSCREAM: (Starscream) Yes, that was some strong stuff.

SKYWARP: (Starscream) And to think, I was even going to invite this Galvatron guy to my shooting gallery…

The Decepticons laugh.

      GALVATRON: Will anyone else attempt to fill his shoes?
      From right to left: Soundwave, Rumble, Bonecrusher’s feet visible at top left of screen.
      RUMBLE: What d’he say his name was?
      GALVATRON: Galvatron!
      The Decepticons cheer. From right to left: Soundwave, Hook, Bonecrusher, Long Haul.
      THE DECEPTICONS: All hail (?) Galvatron! Galvatron!

STARSCREAM: Well, I think that’s it for me… (gets up to leave)

THUNDERCRACKER: Where are you going? There’s still another 50 or so minutes to go…

STARSCREAM: I don’t think I can stand much more of this.

RUMBLE: Heh, no kiddin’.

STARSCREAM: Ha ha.

THUNDERCRACKER: Alright… how about we take a break?

STARSCREAM: Let’s.

Break.

(…to be continued)

After a well deserved break, the Decepticons return to share their thoughts on the next part of the movie. How will they respond to the destruction of the moon bases? Or Bumblebee and Spike? Let’s find out…

Decepticons’ commentary: The Transformers: The Movie (1986)

     View of Unicron moving through space.

SKYWARP: There’s that creepy theme music again.

RUMBLE: Why is it that Unicron gets a theme song, Prime gets his own song, even that new guy Hot Rod gets his own song. I say we should have our own theme song, too.

THUNDERCRACKER: Don’t we have one already?

RUMBLE: No… there’s the general Transformers theme, but it’s not specifically ours.

FRENZY: He’s right. We don’t have a proper theme song just for us Decepticons.

THUNDERCRACKER: I agree. We should have our own tune – as long as it’s not creepy sounding.

SKYWARP: Creepy like The Touch?

RUMBLE: Yeah. Goes without sayin’, doesn’t it?

      View of Jazz and Cliffjumper on one of Cybertron’s moon bases behind a terminal. They see Unicron approaching.
      JAZZ: Where’d that come from?
      Unicron begins to suck the moon towards its hole with a yellow tractor beam.
      CLIFFJUMPER: Who cares? I’m more worried about where it’s going!

STARSCREAM: (Jazz) Who gives a frag about where it’s going, dumb ass! Let’s just worry about getting the frag out of here before it eats us right up!

SKYWARP: Heh, you do a pretty good Jazz impersonation.

STARSCREAM: Thank you.

THUNDERCRACKER: Except I don’t think I’ve ever heard Jazz call anyone a dumb ass before.

STARSCREAM: Oh well, you have now.

      Jazz and Cliffjumper are thrown to the ground as debris falls around them as Unicron destroys the moon base. Jazz picks himself up and walks back to the terminal.
      JAZZ: Talk to me, Earth! We got a situation out here.
      View of Autobot City on Earth. Arcee and Springer are pushing a column into an upright position as Daniel stands by, directing them. Blaster walks towards them carrying a large component of some sort.

STARSCREAM: Did Cliffjumper just jump ship? (Cliffjumper) It’s every mini-bot for himself!

ASTROTRAIN: (laughs) He should be called Shipjumper.

THUNDERCRACKER: (Arcee) It’s nothing like the situation down here, believe me!

STARSCREAM: (Arcee) Not now, Springer! The cameras are rolling again!

SKYWARP: (Daniel) No, don’t stop! Just a little more, please! I won’t tell anybody, I promise!

STARSCREAM: (Springer) Listen, kid. You really shouldn’t be watching in the first place…

SKYWARP: (Blaster) Why can’t you take a hint, kid? Stop hanging around us all the time.

      Jazz’s voice suddenly comes over Blaster’s radio.
      JAZZ: Roger me, Wilco me, anything! Hello, hello, Earth!
      BLASTER: I’m picking up a faint signal.
      Blaster transforms into his cassette deck mode. Ultra Magnus approaches. Daniel, Arcee and Springer stop to listen.
      JAZZ: This is Jazz! A ginormous, weird-looking planet just showed up in the suburbs of Cybertron!

SKYWARP: It really does sound like Jazz is high on something… doesn’t it?

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah. If someone tried to tell me about a weird-aft planet suddenly showing up out of nowhere, I probably wouldn’t believe ’em.

STARSCREAM: (Jazz) A ginormous, moon-eating aft-hole just showed up out of nowhere, and it’s heading for Crack City!

SKYWARP: (laughs) Yeah… I wouldn’t believe him, either.

     CLIFFJUMPER: (over the radio) And, it’s attacking Moon Base One!

ASTROTRAIN: Oh, never mind. He’s still there.

RUMBLE: Who, S***jumper?

ASTROTRAIN: Yeah.

       ULTRA MAGNUS: Jazz! Cliffjumper!
       View of Unicron in space literally devouring Moon Base One through its hole, using its horns to push it further in. Jazz and Cliffjumper run to their ship.
      JAZZ: Got to blast free, if we can!
      CLIFFJUMPER: Ignition, and – hit it!
      The ship manages to escape a short distance, but then its engines cut out.
      CLIFFJUMPER: Jazz! We’re not getting away!
      Their ship is sucked back into the hole as the last of the moon base implodes through Unicron’s hole.

ASTROTRAIN: You know… maybe if they’d jettisoned Cliffjumper, Jazz might have had a chance.

SKYWARP: (Unicron) No one escapes the mighty power of my aft-hole! No one!

      View of Bumblebee and Spike on screen. Ultra Magnus, Springer and Kup listen to their transmission.
      SPIKE: This is Spike and Bumblebee, up here on Moon Base Two.

SKYWARP: Spike sounds like a news reporter.

STARSCREAM: (Ultra Magnus) We can see who you are, dumb ass! Get to the point.

SKYWARP: (Springer) You’re a loser, just like your son. Optimus Prime might not have had the ball bearings to tell you that, but I will!

      BUMBLEBEE: This thing, this monster planet just ripped the first moon to shreds!

SKYWARP: Yeah… he’s not kidding. Do you think they’ll believe him?

THUNDERCRACKER: (Kup) Is everyone high all of a sudden?

STARSCREAM: (Bumblebee) Ugh, what am I saying? I’ve been spending too much time with Spike.

      SPIKE: And it’s heading this way.
      BUMBLEBEE: We’ll try and slow it down…
      SPIKE: …But you’d better get here fast, because we’re not going to –
      Signal is cut.

STARSCREAM: (Ultra Magnus) Ah, that’s better.

THUNDERCRACKER: I find it annoying how they love to finish each other’s sentences.

SKYWARP: Good luck trying to slow it down, Bumblebee.

STARSCREAM: Well, he could always jettison Spike… as an offering to Unicron.

SKYWARP: Think that’d work?

STARSCREAM: (shrugs) What has he got to lose in trying?

THUNDERCRACKER: True.

ASTROTRAIN: I’d jettison him anyway… just for fun.

The Decepticons laugh.

      View of Grimlock, Arcee and Daniel, sitting on Arcee’s shoulder. Daniel extends a hand out.
      DANIEL: Dad!

STARSCREAM: (Daniel) Dad, you won’t believe what I learned about robots today!

THUNDERCRACKER: (Arcee) Now remember Daniel, never kiss and tell.

SKYWARP: Love your Arcee voice.

THUNDERCRACKER: Thank you.

      View of Unicron rising up behind Moon Base Two.
      SPIKE: Bumblebee, activate the explosives! If this doesn’t stop it, nothing will.
      Spike sets the timer on the computer to 20.
      BUMBLEBEE: The explosives are activated. Let’s get out of here!
      Bumblebee runs away, followed by Spike.

SKYWARP: Wait, so… they’re planning on blowing aft-face up now?

THUNDERCRACKER: I think it was Spike’s idea.

ASTROTRAIN: Figures.

      As the timer counts down 18… 16… Bumblebee and Spike run to their ship as debris is sucked up towards Unicron.
      BUMBLEBEE: Hurry! It’s gonna blow!
      They take off in their ship as the countdown screen reads 10.

ASTROTRAIN: Think they’re gonna make it?

THUNDERCRACKER: Nah.

      Unicron’s horns pierce the moon base as the countdown reads 8. It is finally swallowed up into Unicron’s hole, as the countdown reads 0. There is a huge explosion. The ship is flipped over, throwing Bumblebee against a wall. But they have gotten away. Bumblebee and Spike exchange high fives and cheers.
      BUMBLEBEE: Alright! Yeah, we’ve done it! Way to go, ha ha!
      SPIKE: Hooray!

THUNDERCRACKER: Their entire moon base just got destroyed. Why are they so happy?

SKYWARP: Yeah… I wouldn’t be celebrating just yet.

      BUMBLEBEE: Look!
      SPIKE: It isn’t even dented! Oh, s***, what are we gonna do now?
      Looking out of the ship’s view screen, they see Unicron sucking debris into its hole. He is perfectly unharmed by the explosion.

THUNDERCRACKER: (pauses movie) Did he just say s***?

SKYWARP: Yeah, I think he did. Rewind it.

Thundercracker replays that bit. Spike certainly does say s***.

THUNDERCRACKER: None of us were ever allowed to say s*** in the series, so why the hell is Spike allowed to say s*** now?

SHRAPNEL: S***, s***… s***, s***.

STARSCREAM: That’s right – you heard it from Shrapnel here first, kids!

ASTROTRAIN: S***.

BLITZWING: S***!

SCRAPPER: S***.

DIRGE: S***.

SCAVENGER: S***!

RUMBLE: S***! Hey, Soundwave?

SOUNDWAVE: S***.

SKYWARP: (laughs) I think that bit right there officially changes the movie’s rating to MA now.

      Suddenly, the ship gets sucked into Unicron.
      BUMBLEBEE: We’re being sucked into it!

THUNDERCRACKER: Told ya.

      View of Galvatron watching from the ceremony room on Cybertron.
      GALVATRON: How dare Unicron! Cybertron and all its moons belong to me!
      Unicron responds by sending him that red radiation.
      GALVATRON: Ahhh! Ohh! Ah!
      SCOURGE: Remember: we belong to him!
      GALVATRON: I belong to nobody! Ah! Ahh!
      Galvatron falls down the stairs.
      GALVATRON: Oh! Oo! Ah! I will obey! Unicron!
      Unicron stops his attack on Galvatron.
      GALVATRON: Decepticons, to Earth!
      Galvatron’s ship departs for Earth.

SKYWARP: That’s what happens when you try and cheat Big Daddy.

      From right to left: Ultra Magnus, Springer, Hot Rod, Kup, Slag, Daniel, Arcee, Grimlock, Perceptor, Snarl.
      ULTRA MAGNUS: Autobots! Prepare to board the shuttles. This new menace is more dangerous than all the Decepticons put together. Somehow we must destroy it before it devours Cybertron.
      DANIEL: But, what about my dad? He – he’s on the moon between that monster planet and Cybertron!

STARSCREAM: (Ultra Magnus) With any luck, Daniel, your dad will be devoured whole.

SKYWARP: (Springer) Were you not paying attention, kid? No one gives a s*** about your dad when our entire home planet is in danger of being eaten for lunch today!

THUNDERCRACKER: Hey, don’t say s***.

SKYWARP: But Spike said s***, so why can’t I say s***, too?

THUNDERCRACKER: Heh. Fine.

      ULTRA MAGNUS: Daniel, we will do everything we can for Spike.
      SPRINGER: And what are we gonna do when we get there? That thing crunches moons, it’ll make short work of us.
      ULTRA MAGNUS: Maybe the Matrix can stop it.

STARSCREAM: When you run out of good plot ideas, just say hello to the MacGuffin…

THUNDERCRACKER: Did Ultra Magnus come up with that idea all by himself?

STARSCREAM: I’d say it’s an unsolved mystery.

SKYWARP: But what if he’s wrong, and the Matrix doesn’t stop aft-face?

THUNDERCRACKER: Well, it has to work, or else they’re all screwed. Right?

      HOT ROD: You’re right, it can!
      KUP: What do you know about it, lad?
      HOT ROD: I just got this feeling!

SKYWARP: Yeah. Me too.

RUMBLE: You do not.

SKYWARP: I do.

RUMBLE: Do not!

SKYWARP: Do!

THUNDERCRACKER: You know… now that I think about it, I got this feeling, too.

SCAVENGER: And me!

SOUNDWAVE: Me, too.

The Decepticons laugh.

      Springer turns and points to the sky.
      SPRINGER: Look!
      Galvatron’s fleet is aproaching. They fire down at the Autobots, who scatter.
      ULTRA MAGNUS: To the shuttles!
      View of three Sweeps, and Galvatron inside Cyclonus. They shoot down laser blasts.
      GALVATRON: I, Galvatron, will crush you just like Megatron crushed Prime!
      Ultra Magnus runs to avoid the laser blasts. He shoots back.
      ULTRA MAGNUS: And you’ll die trying, just like Megatron!
      Cyclonus is hit.
      GALVATRON: Ugh! Autobot scrap!
      SCOURGE: You want me to gut Ultra Magnus?
      GALVATRON: There are plenty of Autobots for you. Ultra Magnus is mine!

THUNDERCRACKER: (Hot Rod) Hey! What does he have that I don’t have?

SKYWARP: (Galvatron) Don’t worry, you’re next, kid! Right after I have my way with Ultra Magnus…

STARSCREAM: Don’t forget; this is a movie meant for a young, impressionable audience.

SKYWARP: Not anymore it’s not.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah, he’s right. Not after Spike said the word s***.

STARSCREAM: S***, you’re right. Well, then, this changes everything, doesn’t it?

SKYWARP: Sure does.

      Daniel and Arcee run to avoid the laser blasts. He accidentally falls off the ledge. Arcee catches him. Hot Rod is behind them.
      ARCEE: Stay close to me, Daniel!
      HOT ROD: And you better stay close to me!

STARSCREAM: (Hot Rod) I don’t trust you with Springer, let alone with Daniel!

THUNDERCRACKER: The kid’s got a stupid expression on his face. He wasn’t even watching where he was going.

SKYWARP: He just can’t get the sight of that missile out of his head…

THUNDERCRACKER: Heh. Ah, come on… he’s just worried about his dad.

STARSCREAM: Actually, he’s more worried about how he’s going to tell his dad that he wants to be with Hot Rod.

SKYWARP: …And Arcee.

Thundercracker laughs.

      Cyclonus shoots laser blasts down at Arcee, Hot Rod and Daniel. Arcee protects Daniel.
      ARCEE: (to Hot Rod) No, you’d better stay close to me!

SKYWARP: (Hot Rod) Hey, however you wanna do it, Arcee…

THUNDERCRACKER: (Daniel) Not right now, guys! The Decepticons are attacking!

STARSCREAM: (Hot Rod) Shut up, kid – who gives a s***?

THUNDERCRACKER: Hot Rod’s got that look in his optics.

SKYWARP: What look?

THUNDERCRACKER: You know… that look.

ASTROTRAIN: (laughs) He sure does.

SKYWARP: Oh… you mean that look. Heh. Yeah, he certainly does.

STARSCREAM: Oh, geez.

      Blurr is trying to pull Grimlock up the ramp and into the shuttle.
      BLURR: Nice dino, good dino, sweet dino, just step into the nice space ship for Blurr, pretty please? Pretty, pretty please? Nice dino, good dino, with sugar on top and a cherry and some whipped cream, nice dino, good dino, sweet dino!
      GRIMLOCK: Me, Grimlock, not nice dino!
      Blurr is trying to push Grimlock up the ramp from behind.

STARSCREAM: (Grimlock) Me, Grimlock, says shut the hell up!

THUNDERCRACKER: (Grimlock) Me, Grimlock, not like when Blurr push against Grimlock like that from behind…

SKYWARP: Listening to that Autobot is a real pain in the aft. How do the others stand being around him?

THUNDERCRACKER: Maybe they switch off their audio receptors.

STARSCREAM: Yes, he’d drive anyone insane.

ASTROTRAIN: Hey, they could use him as a weapon. You know? Just get him to talk non-stop whenever Galvatron shows up – he’ll be driven more insane than he already is.

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) Don’t give the Autobots any ideas.

ASTROTRAIN: (shrugs) They can’t hear us, can they?

THUNDERCRACKER: Nah. Don’t think so.

      Cyclonus shoots laser blasts down at Blurr and Grimlock.
      GRIMLOCK: Me bash brains!
      View from above shows Slag and Sludge with Grimlock and Blurr. Grimlock sends his fire breath up towards Cyclonus. Cyclonus and Galvatron swoop past them. Galvatron waves a fist at Grimlock. Two Sweeps shoot laser blasts down at the Autobots. Grimlock and Sludge attack them with their fire breath as they swoop past. One (or both) of the Sweeps explodes above a nearby shuttle. View from above shows Blurr, Grimlock, Slag and Sludge; Ultra Magnus followed by Arcee, Daniel, Hot Rod and Kup approach them. Swoop is also present.
      ULTRA MAGNUS: Blurr, get the Dinobots in the shuttle!
      BLURR: I’m trying to get him into the shuttle, Ultra Magnus, ’cause I know we can’t launch the shuttle until I get them into the shuttle, but I can’t seem to get them into the shuttle because they’re impossible, impossible, impossible!
      Blurr tries to push Grimlock up the ramp again as he talks, but to no avail.
      ULTRA MAGNUS: Okay, forget it! Kup, Hot Rod: you guys get the Dinobots aboard and get out of here!

SKYWARP: (Ultra Magnus) You’ve got to clean yourself up, Blurr! You’re not even making any sense anymore.

THUNDERCRACKER: (Blurr, talking fast) But I can’t clean myself up, Ultra Magnus, really I can’t. Please, you’ve got to believe me, I can’t. ‘Cause if you make me go clean I’m just going to drive everyone even more insane ’cause I just can’t stop. Please don’t make me go clean; I need the crack, crack, crack!

The Decepticons laugh.

THUNDERCRACKER: Notice the look on Hot Rod’s face again? Kup’s not too happy, either.

STARSCREAM: (Kup) Remind me to teach that Blurr a lesson on what it means to be a useful Autobot once this is all over.

THUNDERCRACKER: (Blurr) Oh no, Kup, please, pretty pretty please! Don’t use me as a punching bag again, please Kup, nice Kup, good Kup, sweet Kup!

STARSCREAM: (Kup) Shut the hell up, you useless excuse for an Autobot!

      Autobots are running across the screen from right to left: Perceptor, Springer, Daniel, Arcee, Blurr (who races past the last two). Slag is moving up the ramp. Hot Rod swings a lasso around Grimlock’s neck, pulls him up the ramp with the rope. Sludge and Swoop are nearby.
      HOT ROD: Ughhh. Come on, you big bozo, get in the shuttle!
      Two more Sweeps attack from the air, firing laser blasts. They miss as Hot Rod goes inside the shuttle with Grimlock in tow, followed by Sludge and then Swoop. The ramp lifts up and the hatch closes. Kup takes a seat, with Grimlock close by. Hot Rod is in the other seat (in foreground).
      KUP: This reminds me of the battle on Alpha 9. The petro-rabbits were – Grimlock, get your noodle outta my face!
      Kup pushes Grimlock’s head away.

SKYWARP: Why is he talking about petro-rabbits now?

RUMBLE: And noodles?

THUNDERCRACKER: (shrugs) Maybe he’s hungry.

      GRIMLOCK: Me, Grimlock, love Kup’s war stories!

THUNDERCRACKER: (with obvious sarcasm) Oh, is that what he’s talking about – war stories? I thought he was talking about what he had for lunch.

      KUP: You’re living one now. (to Hot Rod) Engage the boosters, for Cybertron’s sake!
      Hot Rod engages the boosters.
      GRIMLOCK: Tell Grimlock about the petro-rabbits again.
      KUP: I’ll give you petro-rabbits! Contact!

RUMBLE: With a side serving of noodle!

      Kup pushes a lever as the shuttle’s engines fire up and the shuttle begins to move forward. Laser fire is directed at the shuttle as it blasts off by two Sweeps. Meanwhile, Springer and Daniel are being fired upon as they run towards the second shutte. Perceptor and Ultra Magnus are covering them as they fire back into the air.
      SPRINGER: Looks like we’re ship mates, squirt!
      DANIEL: All right!
      SPRINGER: But if you get space sick, you’re gonna walk home!
      Springer picks up Daniel and boards the shuttle.

THUNDERCRACKER: I’d really like to see Springer make good on that promise.

SKYWARP: (Daniel) Springer, will you be my dad?

      Ultra Magnus followed by Perceptor board the shuttle as two Sweeps fire at it. Springer and Ultra Magnus (foreground) each take a seat at front.
      ULTRA MAGNUS: Hurry!
      Springer pushes a lever and the engines power up and shuttle begins to move forward.
      Daniel looks out of the window to see Arcee running towards them on the ground while avoiding laser fire.
      DANIEL: Wait, Ultra Magnus! Arcee is still out there!
      The side hatch is still open but the shuttle is now moving. Springer reaches a hand out to Arcee.
      SPRINGER: Jump!

STARSCREAM: (Arcee, to herself) I can’t believe Hot Rod just went ahead without me! Now I’ll have to hitch a ride with these losers…

      Arcee jumps and grabs hold of the ramp, then  extends a hand so Springer can grab hold of her. He drags her inside the shuttle as it takes off. Daniel closes the hatch.
      ARCEE: Thanks…
      DANIEL: That was close!
      SPRINGER: (catching his breath, looking happy) Believe it or not – this is the fun part!

THUNDERCRACKER: The fun part? What does he mean?

STARSCREAM: (Springer) Turn around and close your eyes, Daniel – because now comes the fun part!

SKYWARP: Oh, so just because Springer saved Arcee he thinks she’ll want to play with his missile now…?

THUNDERCRACKER: (contemplating) It doesn’t sound right when you say it out loud, does it?

      The shuttle takes off into the air. Both shuttles fly together in space.
      ULTRA MAGNUS: Congratulations, Autobots, we’ve lost them. So rest while you can.
      Kup is facing the Dinobots, from left to right: Sludge, Grimlock, Swoop, Snarl.
      KUP: Yep, I remember the dust was so thick on Beta 4, you had to use windshield wipers on your optic sensors.
      As Kup is speaking, Snarl nods as he listens, while Sludge also listens with interest.
      GRIMLOCK: Me, Grimlock, no Autobot wipers! Want to hear good part of story!
      Grimlock extends a hand as he protests, knocking Swoop to the floor.
      SWOOP: Good part, Kup! Tell Swoop good part!

THUNDERCRACKER: You want to hear good part of story? Go ask Springer…

      Kup sits down, waving his hand.
      KUP: Okay, okay. Well, the dust was really thick, and then this gigantic Ickyak came tromping and stomping down the mountain, flames spewing out of its nostrils, and I thought for sure-
      As Kup is telling his tale, Hot Rod is sparring with a drone.
      HOT ROD: Hey, Kup, don’t you think we have better things to do now than tell old stories?

SKYWARP: I’ll bet Springer does…

      KUP: Like what?
      HOT ROD: Oh, like maybe, figure out how we’re gonna rescue our friends, and then save Cybertron?

THUNDERCRACKER: Nah. Let Kup tell his story.

      GRIMLOCK: No! Tell story! Shh!
      SLUDGE: Quiet!
      SWOOP: Tell story! Tell story!
      GRIMLOCK (?): We wanna hear story!
      The drone hits Hot Rod from behind while he is distracted. Hot Rod rushes for him, grabbing him.

THUNDERCRACKER: See, even the Dinobots agree.

      DRONE: Bzzzzzzzzt! Time out, time out, time out!
      They are interrupted by Galvatron’s ship nearby. Galvatron and Cyclonus are inside. They fire several missiles at the Autobot shuttle, but miss their target and turn back around.
      HOT ROD: (back at the shuttle’s controls) They’re closing on us.
      KUP: Yep, like the shrike bats of Dramadan.
      HOT ROD: How’d you beat them?
      KUP: I’m trying to remember. There were an awful lot of casualties that day. Oh, yeah – we inverted polarities!

THUNDERCRACKER: Kup’s not taking this too seriously.

SKYWARP: He just needs to say the word s*** more often.

THUNDERCRACKER: Heh, yeah.

      As the missiles get closer to the shuttle from behind, the shuttle moves higher to avoid them. An energy pyramid is emitted from its underside.
      KUP: They’re coming back!
      Kup and Hot Rod watch out of the front view screen as the missiles all detonate. Some of the resulting explosions hit the shuttle, but they survive.
      HOT ROD: All right! We survived that.
      On screen, Galvatron’s ship appears.
      KUP: Yeah, but will we survive this?

THUNDERCRACKER: Eh, probably not.

      Galvatron is pressing buttons. Scourge is standing behind him, to the right.
      GALVATRON: Cyclonus, transform, and attack!
      Cyclonus exits through the ship’s underside hatch, transforms.and blasts away towards the Autobot shuttle.

SKYWARP: Scourge looks real peeved.

THUNDERCRACKER: Heh, yeah. I wonder what he’s thinking…

STARSCREAM: (Galvatron) Cyclonus, go and find out why Unicron gave us all the same bland colour scheme. I demand that we are given better colors!

THUNDERCRACKER: (Scourge) Yes… we don’t fool anyone in this ridiculous monochrome.

      Cyclonus fires at the Autobot shuttle, successfully damaging it.
      KUP: I can’t control it!
      The shuttle veers towards an odd, spiral-shaped planet.
      HOT ROD: We’re gonna crash!
      The shuttle crash lands on the spiral planet. The front view screen glass shatters as Hot Rod and Kup vacate their seats in time to avoid the shrapnel. Their shuttle continues to bounce along the planet’s surface. Meanwhile, Springer watches.
      SPRINGER: Kup and Hot Rod just bought it!
      ULTRA MAGNUS: I can’t deal with that now!

THUNDERCRACKER: He can’t deal with that now. What can he deal with now, then?

SKYWARP: If he can’t deal with that now, wait till he meets aft-face…

STARSCREAM: Springer doesn’t look too concerned. (Springer) No more Hot Rod. It’s just you and me now, Arcee!

THUNDERCRACKER: (Ultra Magnus) I can’t deal with that now!

      Galvatron’s ship is pursuing Ultra Magnus’s shuttle.
      SPRINGER: Face it, Magnus – the Decepticons are gonna dog us until they see us dead!
      ULTRA MAGNUS: Then that’s exactly what they’re gonna see. Prepare for emergency separation!
      PERCEPTOR: That’s too dangerous!
      ULTRA MAGNUS: What choice do we have?
      Ultra Magnus presses a large, rectangular button, and the shuttle separates into two sections.
      Galvatron sends six missiles after the shuttle, causing it to explode.
      SCOURGE: The Autobots have been terminated!
      GALVATRON: Excellent – and the Matrix with them.

THUNDERCRACKER: You know… I’m going to hand that one to Ultra Magnus.

SKYWARP: You mean… just like that? You’re not going to make a joke out of it or anything?

THUNDERCRACKER: Nope.

SKYWARP: I can’t deal with that now.

Thundercracker laughs.

      Galvatron is attacked by Unicron’s radiation as everything turns red.
      GALVATRON: Ugh! No!
      Galvatron tumbles out of his chair and onto the floor, holding his head in pain.
      GALVATRON: Unicron! Why? Take me to Unicron! Take me now!
      Scourge helps Galvatron up, as the radiation subsides.

SKYWARP: Uh-oh. I think Big Daddy wants to have a little chat with him.

STARSCREAM: What about?

THUNDERCRACKER: (doing his best Orson Welles impersonation as Unicron) Galvatron… I want you to find out what Arcee truly thinks of me… It is the one thing – the only thing – that is distracting me from my evil, single-minded purpose.

SKYWARP: (Galvatron) Why should I? What’s in it for me?

THUNDERCRACKER: (Unicron) More pixie dust than you can ever imagine!

ASTROTRAIN: (Unicron) …And Hot Rod.

      Ultra Magnus’ shuttle continues to fly through space. Springer and Arcee, and Ultra Magnus and Perceptor are at their posts. Daniel is beside Arcee.
      ARCEE: Did we have to let him detonate three-quarters of the ship?
      SPRINGER: Seeing as how they would have detonated four quarters, I think it was a good choice.

STARSCREAM: Yes, it’s better than being incinerated down to nothing but ashes. Believe me, I should know.

ASTROTRAIN: Or being jettisoned into space.

SKYWARP: …And you’re so wasted you start believing that you’ve been reformatted into Batman by some giant-aft planet-eater.

STARSCREAM: (laughs) Why… is that what happened to you, Skywarp?

SKYWARP: Nope… I’m just sayin’.

      ARCEE: But now how are we going to get there in this wreck?
      ULTRA MAGNUS: Perceptor, (can) you locate a place to set down for repairs?
      PERCEPTOR: Gamma rays in this sector of space create marginal probabilities… however, e-he-hem – yes, I believe I can. The planet of Junk is in this vicinity.
      Ultra Magnus is distracted/bored by Perceptor’s long-winded response.
      ULTRA MAGNUS: Then, let’s go for it!

STARSCREAM: Why doesn’t Perceptor just say things simply, instead of talking s***?

ASTROTRAIN: (laughs) Like all that junk about marginal probabilities?

STARSCREAM: Right.

Break.

(…to be continued)

The Decepticons’ s*** stirring continues…

Decepticons’ commentary: The Transformers: The Movie (1986)

      The next scene reveals a strange planet, where large mechanical sharks are eating smaller, organic fish in a body of water.
      Kup groans from somewhere off screen.
      HOT ROD: (off screen, underwater) Kup?! Grimlock?! Slag?! Anybody?!
      Hot Rod comes into view. He is held underwater by mechanical tentacles.

THUNDERCRACKER: So… after Kup and Grimlock, he asks for Slag to rescue him?

SKYWARP: Well, Blurr’s useless, so all he’s got left are the Dinobots.

BLITZWING: Hot Rod will ask anybody before he asks Blurr for help.

ASTROTRAIN: Yeah… but I think they lost Blurr back at Autobot City.

RUMBLE: Yeah, I don’t remember Blurr boarding either of the shuttles.

THUNDERCRACKER: Hopefully he was in that three-quarters of the ship that detonated…

The Decepticons laugh.

      The mechanical, piranha-like fish converge on Hot Rod. Hot Rod transforms his left hand into a cutting wheel, slashing at the fish and tentacles until he is free.
      HOT ROD: Kup?!
      Hot Rod swims away, then transforms into his hot rod car mode. He drives underwater along the metallic floor a short distance before transforming back into robot mode, and then keeps running.
      HOT ROD: Kup!
      KUP: Help!
      Hot Rod stops to see Kup held captive by the tentacles of a giant mechanical squid. Hot Rod fires at it, and it drops Kup to the floor beside Hot Rod. Hot Rod is grabbed by one of the tentacles, but he keeps firing at the squid monster and attacking its tentacles with his cutting wheel hand. Finally he shoots it in its eye, which explodes and shatters. The squid takes off, releasing a cloud of black smoke.

THUNDERCRACKER: That’s gonna make another great war story – ‘…and then I was saved from a giant squid by this guy called Hot Rod’.

      Kup is face down on the sea floor. He appears to be in bad condition, and is missing half of his right arm and left leg.

THUNDERCRACKER: I was going to say… I’d hate to see what kind of condition Kup’s in right now.

      HOT ROD: Kup?
      Now Kup is missing half of his left arm, not right arm, and half of his right leg, not left leg. Hot Rod bends down and turns Kup over, shaking him.
      HOT ROD: Talk to me!

STARSCREAM: Let’s play spot the animation errors!

      Kup’s optics regain their color.
      KUP: Ehhh… fix me…

STARSCREAM: (Hot Rod) Fix you what? A sandwich?

ASTROTRAIN: (laughs) No… I think he wants his, you know, fix.

      Hot Rod places Kup down on the floor.
      HOT ROD: Sure, Kup, right away.
      Hot Rod picks up Kup’s dismembered arm and leg, picks Kup up again and carries him out of the water and places him down onto dry ground. Now Kup is missing half of his right arm and right leg. The scene changes to Ultra Magnus’ shuttle flying through space as it approaches the planet of Junk. Inside the shuttle are seated (from left to right): Blurr, Ultra Magnus, Springer, Arcee and Perceptor.

THUNDERCRACKER: Dammit, Blurr’s still alive. Where’s Daniel?

SKYWARP: Maybe he’s playing with Lego off screen?

THUNDERCRACKER: Lego?

SKYWARP: (shrugs) Or Barbie dolls, whatever. Kiss Players, then?

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) So long as he’s not playing with those toys made just for grown-ups.

RUMBLE: Well, what if he’s playing with toy versions of us?

THUNDERCRACKER: (perturbed) Do not go there, Rumble…

      ULTRA MAGNUS: Brace for impact!
      The shuttle lands roughly, skims and bounces along the surface. Arcee is thrown backwards. Finally the shuttle comes to a stop amidst junk.
      ULTRA MAGNUS: Say something! Anybody!
      (From left to right:) Blurr, Arcee, Springer, and Perceptor are lying on the floor of the shuttle. Springer is the first to get up.
      SPRINGER: Remind me to give the auto pilot a raise!
      ARCEE: Daniel?
      Daniel is underneath Arcee, protected from falling debris during the rough landing.

STARSCREAM: So, Springer wants to give the auto pilot a raise.

SKYWARP: I think you’re reading more into that than you ought to, Screamer.

STARSCREAM: But it’s funny…

THUNDERCRACKER: Dammit – Daniel’s still alive.

ASTROTRAIN: That’s not funny. And he shouldn’t be under Arcee like that…

BLITZWING: Ever.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah, but try telling him that…

      DANIEL: (getting up) I… I’m okay.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah, I bet you are.

SKYWARP: What’s the bet he’s the real reason why Ultra Magnus wanted to blow up three-quarters of their shuttle?

THUNDERCRACKER: I really wish someone would do something about that kid.

      Ultra Magnus tests out his blaster. Springer and Perceptor stand to the right.
      ULTRA MAGNUS: Let’s try to salvage this thing.
      DANIEL: Can I help, too?

The DECEPTICONS: (in unison) No!

      SPRINGER: It’s rough out there, kid.
      Daniel looks as if he is about to cry.

SKYWARP: He needs his mommy.

STARSCREAM: Spoiled brat.

      ARCEE: I think Daniel can make himself useful, with this!
      Daniel turns around to see Arcee holding an exo-suit.

THUNDERCRACKER: Make himself useful out the airlock, she means.

      ARCEE: It was Spike’s exo-suit.
      DANIEL: (happy) Dad’s exo-suit! He told me all about it.
      ARCEE: Here, try it on.

SKYWARP: (Springer) Great – why’d you have to go and show him the damned exo-suit, Arcee? Now we’re stuck with him!

STARSCREAM: He’s still a spoiled brat.

      Springer picks Daniel up as Arcee holds the exo-suit for Daniel. He slips into the suit and Arcee closes the helmet visor over his head.
      ARCEE: Now, try to walk. Come on, you can do it!

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah, right out the airlock.

      Daniel clumsily walks, but falls on his face. Arcee watches encouragingly as Daniel tries again and falls on his back.
      SPRINGER: Just think about what you wanna do before you do it!

THUNDERCRACKER: Spike should have listened to Springer’s advice before he decided to have the kid.

      DANIEL: I-it’s kinda tricky! Whoa, ah!
      Daniel executes a forward somersault, lands and side-steps into Arcee.
      ARCEE: Keep on practicing. You’ll get the hang of it.
      ULTRA MAGNUS: Come on, show time’s over. We’ve got work to do.
      Ultra Magnus, Springer and Arcee exit the shuttle. They look around at all the junk.
      DANIEL (makes a whistling sound): This must be the junk capital of the universe.
      As they rummage through the junk, it appears that the Autobots are being watched. Suddenly, several bots jump up out of the junk piles.
      WRECK GAR VOICE: Stop, thief! No welcome-wagon ‘allo stranger, with a good coffee flavour for you!

SKYWARP: Uh…

      WRECK GAR VOICE: Wellll… well (?) money back. Offer expires while you wait! Operators are standing by.

SKYWARP: What the… frag?

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) This place beats Crack City, hands down.

SKYWARP: Wow, they really did hire cheap extras for this movie.

      In the next scene, Hot Rod is working on Kup’s left thigh. He closes the thigh panel.
      HOT ROD: That does it! Well, what do you think?
      Kup tests out his left elbow joint and neck joint, then tests his knees and walks around a bit. He has a limp.
      KUP: Of all the circuit glitched, diode blown dim-wittery. You left a piece out!

THUNDERCRACKER: Heh. I think this guy’s one of the few Autobots I don’t dislike…

RUMBLE: Are we allowed to have Autobots that we don’t dislike?

THUNDERCRACKER: (shrugs) I don’t see why not.

SKYWARP: Well, based on what I’ve seen so far, we really don’t have many to choose from.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah, that’s true. I’d say Kup and Jazz are just about our only acceptable choices.

      HOT ROD: No way! You’re just a little stiff!
      Kup continues to test his joints.
      KUP: Anyway, all thing’s considered you did an amazing job, lad. Amazing!
      HOT ROD: Really?
      KUP: Yeah! You even got rid of a nasty burr in my rotator. Now, let’s find the Dinobots and get off this twisted planet.

THUNDERCRACKER: Can’t they just leave the Dinobots behind?

STARSCREAM: (Grimlock) Me, Grimlock, no like Thun-der-crack-er!

THUNDERCRACKER: Heh.

      Kup transforms into his pickup truck mode and races off. Hot Rod transforms as well, catching up to him. They both come to a sudden stop and transform back into their robot modes. Something jumps up out of a pool of water in front of them. Kup holds out a hand to stop Hot Rod, as a large number of SHARKTICONS emerge from the pool and start walking towards them.
      KUP: Don’t act hostile. I’ll use the ‘Universal Greeting’.
      HOT ROD: (dubious) Universal Greeting?
      KUP: Watch! I’ll have ’em eating out of my hand.

SKYWARP: This we gotta see.

      KUP: Baa-Weep-Grana-Weep-Nini-Bong!
      HOT ROD: (incredulous) Baa-Weep-Grana-Weep-Nini-Bong?
      SHARKTICONS: (in unison) Baa-Weep-Grana-Weep-Nini-Bong?

The Decepticons laugh.

THUNDERCRACKER: I swear Kup’s making that s*** up.

SKYWARP: I want to know what Kup’s been smoking.

STARSCREAM: I bet Hot Rod does, too.

ASTROTRAIN: I think we would all like to know…

      KUP: See? The Universal Greeting works every time. Now, without making any sudden moves, offer them an energon goodie.
      Kup produces a glowing, rectangular-shaped energon goodie. Hot Rod does the same, and the Sharkticons jump at the goodies, chanting and then shouting over the energon goodies, devouring them.
      HOT ROD: This is getting expensive!
      KUP: Don’t worry! They’ll reciprocate.
      But the Sharkticons stand there, wanting more goodies.
      HOT ROD: I thought they were supposed to reciprocate!

THUNDERCRACKER: I think Kup’s a little over-confident.

SKYWARP: (Kup) Don’t worry, lad. If my plan doesn’t work, I’ll let them eat you first.

      HOT ROD: No more!
      Kup shakes the energon goodie container and throws it over his shoulder.
      KUP: Empty!
      The Sharkticons stop grumbling, then transform into their alt forms and begin to attack Kup and Hot Rod.

THUNDERCRACKER: They were kinda asking for that to happen.

     As Kup and Hot Rod struggle with the Sharkticons, a small, orange Transformer shows up. As Sharkticons pile on top of Hot Rod and Kup, the unfamiliar Transformer transforms into a small car alt form and zooms off. The next scene shows the Sharkticons leading Kup and Hot Rod, whom they have captured, into a building. They are seen by the car, which zooms away.

STARSCREAM: Who’s the new guy?

THUNDERCRACKER: Dunno. Never seen him before.

      Kuo and Hot Rod are led down a hallway by the Sharkticons. They are bound by energy rings around their waists.
      KUP: Reminds me of the night I slave mined on Golganath 7.
      HOT ROD: Every place reminds you of some place else.
      KUP: Experience, lad. You should learn to appreciate it.

THUNDERCRACKER: That’s what I like about Kup; he’s always got time to tell a story.

      Kup and Hot Rod arrive at a Sharkticon Pit, watched over by two mechanical aliens. They have tentacles, and levitate on pink energy. One of them (IMPERIAL MAGISTRATE) has a large head with multiple faces. The other (PROSECUTOR) is on the end of a platform directly over the Pit.
      HOT ROD: A lot of good it’s done us so far.
      KUP: Hey, what’s going on over there?
      PROSECUTOR (on stairs, turning to the Imperial Magistrate): Has the Imperial Magistrate reached a verdict?
      MAGISTRATE – FIRST FACE: I have.
      PROSECUTOR: Guilty or innocent?
      MAGISTRATE – SECOND FACE: Innocent.
      PROSECUTOR: Feed him to the Sharkticons.
      A second alien (EXECUTIONER) pushes down on a lever, which drops part of the platform. The victim falls into the Sharkticon Pit and is jumped on by Sharkticons.
      MAGISTRATE – SECOND FACE: Ha ha ha ha!
      MAGISTRATE – THIRD FACE: Ha ha ha ha!
      MAGISTRATE – FOURTH FACE: Ha ha ha ha!
      MAGISTRATE – FIFTH FACE: Ha ha ha ha!

THUNDERCRACKER: I thought Magistrates were supposed to be impartial.

KICKBACK: That… thing… is no Magistrate.

SHRAPNEL: What is it, it?

STARSCREAM: It’s what you see when you spend too much time in Crack City.

BLITZWING: So… they admit he’s innocent, but then kill him anyway?

ASTROTRAIN: Well… look at the bright side – he gets to die an innocent man.

SKYWARP: Heh… I want to know what his crime was.

THUNDERCRACKER: Crime? Nah, I think those weird-looking alien things are just bored.

STARSCREAM: I think the script writers just like to kill off cheap extras, once they’re done with them.

THUNDERCRACKER: Heh. That way they won’t have to pay them.

      HOT ROD: We’ve got to get a new travel agent!

STARSCREAM: And new script writers.

      Kup and Hot Rod are led into a prison cell by two Sharkticons. The door slides closed as their energy rings disappear.
      HOT ROD: What is this place?
      Broken pieces of former prisoners lay strewn across the floor of the cell.

THUNDERCRACKER: That’s what you get when you can’t afford the luxury holiday package.

SKYWARP: Dammit! Where’s the room service around here?

      A voice is heard off screen, and then the scene reveals a robot on the other side of prison bars in an adjacent cell.
      KRANIX: The world of the savage Sharkticons, and their cruel Masters, the QUINTESSONS. I… am Kranix. My planet was destroyed by Unicron.

STARSCREAM: Not just destroyed – eaten!

THUNDERCRACKER: The Quintessons… is that what those alien things are called?

SKYWARP: Yeah. And isn’t that the same guy who escaped aft-face in a ship at the start of the movie?

ASTROTRAIN: Yep.

      HOT ROD: Unicron? Who’s Unicron?

SKYWARP: That’s be that huge, aft-face thing floating through space. Don’t worry, you can’t miss him.

      KRANIX: A planet… that devours everything in its path.
      KUP: So, that’s the monster’s name.

SKYWARP: Like I said… just look for the huge aft in space.

THUNDERCRACKER: (Hot Rod, thinking) A planet that devours things? This guy must be wasted

STARSCREAM: Well, there’s really nothing better for him to do at the Sharkticon Resort, is there?

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) That alone must be worth the cheap accommodation.

STARSCREAM: (Kup) Give us some of what you’re smoking, Kranix!

      Three Sharkticons rush into Kranix’s cell and take him away. The Prosecutor is waiting at the door to the cell.
      KRANIX: No, please! Ah – I’m the last survivor of Lithone! No, no!
      HOT ROD: Let him go!
      Hot Rod pushes Kup away and is zapped by the prison bars.
      HOT ROD: Argh!
      PROSECUTOR: Soon, you two shall receive your sentence.
      Outside the prison cell, Kranix’s trial commences.
      PROSECUTOR: Has the Imperial Magistrate reached a verdict?

STARSCREAM: Guilty!

SKYWARP: Innocent!

STARSCREAM: Guilty! No, innocent!

SKYWARP: No, guilty!

RUMBLE: Guilty!

FRENZY: Innocent! I mean… guilty!

THUNDERCRACKER: This court’s adjourned!

SKYWARP: Innocent!

RUMBLE: Guilty, dammit!

STARSCREAM: Objection!

THUNDERCRACKER: Can we just get on with the movie, please?

SKYWARP, RUMBLE, STARSCREAM: Guilty!

      MAGISTRATE – FIRST FACE: I have.
      PROSECUTOR: Guilty or innocent?

SKYWARP: Guilt-

THUNDERCRACKER wacks Skywarp over the head.

SKYWARP: Hey… innocent?

      KRANIX: Spare me this mockery of justice!
      PROSECUTOR: I repeat: guilty or innocent?

SKYWARP: Yeah, shut up, Kranix – don’t interfere with due process.

      MAGISTRATE – SECOND FACE: Innocent.

SKYWARP: Ha! I knew he was innocent!

      Kranix is shocked, as the platform drops from under him.

THUNDERCRACKER: (Prosecutor to Executioner) No, you idiot! I was going to spare him!

SKYWARP: (laughs) Sure.

      KRANIX: Yaaah!
      Kranix lands in the Sharkticon Pit as Sharkticons converge on his position. When Kranix emerges from the watery pool, the Sharkticons jump on him.

STARSCREAM: I think this movie really has jumped the shark.

THUNDERCRACKER: Heh. No kidding.

      Kup and Hot Rod are watching through bars in the cell door. Hot Rod is shaking with anger.
      KUP: Not the end I’d wish for, lad.

THUNDERCRACKER: I really wasn’t expecting Kranix to buy the farm.

ASTROTRAIN: This movie is dark. Too many horrific death scenes for a kids’ flick.

SKYWARP: Not to mention the heavy drug use and excessive coarse language.

STARSCREAM: (laughs) Think the audience will notice?

(…to be continued)

Decepticons’ commentary: The Transformers: The Movie (1986)

      Swoop is circling overhead. He flies down and transforms into robot mode ahead of the other Dinobots – Slag, Grimlock, and Sludge.
      SWOOP: Me, Swoop, no see nothing.
      GRIMLOCK: Me, Grimlock, positive Hot Rod and Kup close!

THUNDERCRACKER: So he’s psychic, now?

STARSCREAM: (Grimlock) Me, Grimlock, psychic now, too!

      SLAG: Me, Slag, say you follow beryllium baloney!
      Slag trips over some spikes.
      GRIMLOCK: Me, Grimlock, say you love ceasium salami!

STARSCREAM: Me, Starscream, talk like Grimlock now!

      SLAG: Beryllium baloney!
      GRIMLOCK: Arrr!

THUNDERCRACKER: Why do I get the feeling the Dinobots aren’t the smartest tools in the shed?

SKYWARP: (laughs) Or sharpest…

STARSCREAM: Me, Starscream, say don’t know why!

      Grimlock looks behind him to see where a voice is coming from.
      WHEELIE: (off screen) Friend find, look behind!
      GRIMLOCK: Who say that?

THUNDERCRACKER: Ugh… that voice.

SKYWARP: Yeah… sounds like a real fruitcake.

      The new Transformer we saw earlier jumps out from hiding and climbs up Sludge’s back and then onto his head. He is sporting an Autobot sigil.
      WHEELIE: Friend find, look behind!

THUNDERCRACKER: (incredulous) Oh, look – another Crack City reject.

SKYWARP: And just when I thought this movie couldn’t get any better.

      WHEELIE: You go wrong way; you fool, I say.
      GRIMLOCK: Me, Grimlock, fool?

THUNDERCRACKER: I’ll bet Grimlock doesn’t hear that very often.

      WHEELIE: Picture you got? No, fool you not! Aheh Ahehehe…

THUNDERCRACKER: What?

      GRIMLOCK: Me, Grimlock, no like you! Wagh!
      Grimlock wacks Wheelie off Sludge’s head. Wheelie falls to the ground.

THUNDERCRACKER: Best Grimlock performance we’ve seen so far.

      Wheelie fires a red energy sling shot at Grimlock, hitting his nose.
      GRIMLOCK: D’owww! Why boy hit my nose?
      WHEELIE: Wheelie say: find friends today!
      GRIMLOCK: Me, Grimlock, say we on our way!
      Wheelie and the Dinobots start on their way towards Kup and Hot Rod.

THUNDERCRACKER: (shakes head) I can’t believe we’ve all been replaced by this turkey.

STARSCREAM: Me, Starscream, no like Wheelie!

SKYWARP: (Wheelie) Wheelie say, he not sorry – Kup and Hot Rod, not to worry!

THUNDERCRACKER: Oh, geez. Do you have to?

SKYWARP: Hehe.

      Unicron appears in space. His central hole opens up.

SKYWARP: Hey, look, it’s aft-face again!

STARSCREAM: With that creepy theme music and all.

RUMBLE: Watch out, he’s about to fart.

      GALVATRON: Unicron! Why did you torture me?
      UNICRON: You have failed.

STARSCREAM: (Unicron) …To tell me about Arcee.

THUNDERCRACKER: (Galvatron) But… mighty Unicron… What about the Autobot Matrix of-

STARSCREAM: (Unicron) Silence! Forget about the Matrix of Leadership… I want Arcee now.

      GALVATRON: No, Unicron! Ultra Magnus is dead, and the Matrix destroyed!

THUNDERCRACKER: I’d hate to have to be the one to break it to him.

      UNICRON: The Matrix… has not been destroyed. And Ultra Magnus lives… on the planet of Junk. Stalk him – tear him apart… and destroy the Matrix-ss.
      Galvatron’s ship flies away from Unicron.
      In the next scene, Arcee, Springer, Perceptor and Blurr are repairing their shuttle.
      PERCEPTOR: Be sure the fittings are securely welded.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah… ’cause, you know, you wouldn’t want your shuttle to break apart at the seams during flight.

SKYWARP: Unless, you know, Blurr and Daniel happen to be on board.

      BLURR: Absolutely, positively, definitely! I wouldn’t do it any other way, any other way at all!

STARSCREAM: Scavenger?

SCAVENGER: …Yeah?

STARSCREAM: May we borrow your single-shot-kill blaster, please?

SCAVENGER: Oh… sure!

THUNDERCRACKER: (Kup) Here, I’ll do it, lad. I won’t miss.

      Daniel appears on screen, carrying a piece of shuttle above his head.

STARSCREAM: Make that two kill shots.

      DANIEL: Whoa! This exo-suit’s fantastic! I think I’m starting to get the hang of it.
      Daniel drops the piece of shuttle.
      The Junkions are still nearby.
      WRECK GAR: Forward! Avanti! And, like, go for the gusto!
      Wreck Gar sees Galvatron and his army approaching from the sky.
      ULTRA MAGNUS: Decepticons! We gotta draw them off and double back to the shuttle.
      Galvatron flies in with Cyclonus and fires two missiles at the shutte. The shuttle is blown up.
      SPRINGER: There goes the shuttle!
      The Autobots run from the explosion (left to right): Ultra Magnus, Perceptor, Springer, Daniel, Arcee, Blurr. Springer transforms into his helicopter mode as the Sweeps fire upon them. Arcee, Daniel and Blurr are running from the laser blasts. Arcee transforms and speeds away past Daniel and Blurr in car mode.

SKYWARP: (Arcee) No way am I hanging behind with you two losers. See ya – I’m outta here!

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) That’s classic.

      DANIEL: What do I do?!

SKYWARP: Uh-oh, he needs his mommy again.

STARSCREAM: He needs his diapers changed.

Skywarp laughs.

      BLURR: Transform! Transform! You can do it, I know you can do it – you can do it!
      Blurr speeds ahead, leaving Daniel behind. Daniel looks worried. He keeps running, and tries to transform…
      DANIEL: Transform!
      But it doesn’t work. He gets shot at.

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) Now Blurr’s bailed out on him, too.

SKYWARP: (Blurr) …Loser!

      Shrapnel and then Scavenger drop down from the air ahead of Daniel.
      SCAVENGER: Human germ!

THUNDERCRACKER: Now, Scavenger – you can do it!

STARSCREAM: Go for the kill shot! Let him have it!

SCAVENGER: (surprised) Hey, did you see that?! I got to say a line…

SKYWARP: (laughs) Yeah, but you sound real peeved.

SHRAPNEL: At least I’m still alive, alive…

Thundercracker laughs.

      DANIEL: Transform!
      Daniel runs forward, then transforms into a car and rushes into Scavenger as he moves forward, knocking him, and then Shrapnel, out of the way.
      DANIEL: Yaaahahaha! Hehe!

SHRAPNEL: How can one human child have gotten past us – I call bull s***, bull s***!

SCAVENGER: I could have blasted him, but I didn’t…

THUNDERCRACKER: Why didn’t you?

SCAVENGER: I dunno… I guess I must’ve felt sorry for the kid. Moment of weakness, I know. He’s still a human germ, though.

      Galvatron inside Cyclonus, and the Sweeps, approach from the air.
      GALVATRON: There they are! Attack!
      The Autobots can be seen from the air (from left to right: Ultra Magnus, Perceptor, Daniel, Blurr, Arcee). They are running. Ultra Magnus and Perceptor fire at the enemy as they try to avoid enemy fire. Perceptor is hit by a second blast.
      ULTRA MAGNUS: Make a break for cover. I’ll try to unleash the power of the Matrix.
      Perceptor runs for cover as Ultra Magnus keeps firing. Perceptor joins Arcee, Daniel and Blurr in the background.
      ARCEE, OTHERS: Till all are one!
      Ultra Magnus tries to reach the others, but is stopped by a blast that causes debris to block his path.

STARSCREAM: Watch out – he’s going to unleash the power of the MacGuffin!

THUNDERCRACKER: Why have we never heard Optimus Prime say anything like that? (Optimus Prime) I’ll try to unleash the power of the Matrix!

SKYWARP: Well, who needs to unleash the power of the Matrix when you’ve got the Power, right?

THUNDERCRACKER: True. And the Touch.

      ULTRA MAGNUS: Till all are one!
      Galvatron and Cyclonus swoop down, transform into robot mode and land in front of Ultra Magnus.
      Ultra Magnus is grasping the Matrix by the handles with both hands.
      ULTRA MAGNUS: Open, dammit, open!

STARSCREAM: (Ultra Magnus) How does this damned thing work?!

THUNDERCRACKER: (Springer) Didn’t it come with an instruction manual?

SKYWARP: (Ultra Magnus) Yes, but I don’t understand it – it’s all in Chinese!

ASTROTRAIN: Maybe he was given a knock-off.

      ULTRA MAGNUS: Prime, you said the Matrix would light our darkest hour.

STARSCREAM: (Optimus Prime) I also told you to replace the batteries!

      GALVATRON: Magnus! I want the Matrix!
      ULTRA MAGNUS: Never!
      GALVATRON: Sweeps! Terminate him!

THUNDERCRACKER: I love the look on Cyclonus’ face there.

SKYWARP: Yeah… you can tell he’s really enjoying this.

      The Sweeps begin firing at Ultra Magnus.
      ULTRA MAGNUS: Ahhhhh!
      GALVATRON: Die! Die!
      ULTRA MAGNUS: Ahh! Ahhh!
      Ultra Magnus falls to the ground, throwing the Matrix into the air. It lands neatly in Galvatron’s hands.

STARSCREAM: (Ultra Magnus) Here, catch! Maybe you can get it to work.

      Ultra Magnus blows up.

THUNDERCRACKER: Did Ultra Magnus self destruct? No, seriously… he fell over and then just exploded.

STARSCREAM: It’s another unsolved mystery…

      GALVATRON: Unicron, my Master… with this, I shall make you my slave.
      Unicron releases a shaft of energy from his hole in protest.

SKYWARP: Oh, no… I think aft-face overheard.

      In the next scene, Kup and Hot Rod are standing on the platform above the Sharkticon Pit. They are bound by energy rings around their waists. The Sharkticons are circling.
      PROSECUTOR: Before the Imperial Magistrate delivers a verdict, would you like to beg for your lives? It sometimes helps, but not often…

THUNDERCRACKER: Gee, why the sudden change of heart?

SKYWARP: Yeah… maybe these Quintessons aren’t so bad, after all.

      KUP: I can’t transform.
      HOT ROD: Keep trying!
      MAGISTRATE: Silence, or you’ll be held in contempt of this court.
      HOT ROD: I have nothing but contempt for this court.
      PROSECUTOR: Guilty or innocent?
      MAGISTRATE – SECOND FACE: Innocent.

THUNDERCRACKER: They really need to get themselves a good lawyer.

SKYWARP: Oh, you mean they actually exist?

THUNDERCRACKER: Nah, but it sounded good.

      The platform underneath Kup and Hot Rod drops. Their energy rings dissipate, and they fall into the Sharkticon Pit.

THUNDERCRACKER: See? The Quintessons actually want them to have a fighting chance.

      HOT ROD: They’ve got more Sharkticons than we have photon charges.
      KUP: Then let’s hold a demolition derby!
      The song Hunger by Spectre General begins to play, as Kup and Hot Rod transform into their alt modes. They drive around and around the Pit, chased by the Sharkticons, thereby creating a vortex. This allows Kup and Hot Rod to drive out of the Pit without the Sharkticons on their tail. The Sharkticos emerge from the Pit. Kup and Hot Rod drive through them, demolition derby style. Hot Rod and then Kup transform back into robot mode.
      HOT ROD: Hahahaha! Didn’t even bend a fender. Hahaha.
      KUP: Yeah, but look! There are a lot more of those can-diggin’, grill-crackin’ things.
      A Sharkticon attacks Kup, but Kup easily keeps it at bay, holding it by its tail before breaking off its tail and throwing the Sharkticon away, as Hot Rod shoots at it. Kup throws off a second Sharkticon as Hot Rod fires at it.
      HOT ROD: We can’t hold out forever, Kup, but we can give them one humungous repair bill!
      Hot Rod starts firing at the encroaching Sharkticons. Using the dismembered tail as a mace, Kup charges at the Sharkticons, smashing two of them. Hot Rod punches a Sharkticon, breaking its teeth. The Sharkticon strikes at Hot Rod with its tail, but misses and shreds the face of another Sharkticon. Kup and Hot Rod are jumped on by more Sharkticons.
      PROSECUTOR: Execute them!
      The Quintesson Alien looks behind him in time to see the door fall on him, and is squashed underneath. Slag and Sludge enter, walking in on top of the fallen door.
      PROSECUTOR: Erregh!
      SLAG: Excuse me!

THUNDERCRACKER: (Squashed Prosecutor) You must be the counsel for the defence… you’re late!

SKYWARP: (Hot Rod) We demand a retrial, your Honour!

STARSCREAM: (Magistrate) Order!… Order!

      Swoop flies in through the opening, and then Grimlock enters. Wheelie is sitting on Grimlock’s back.

STARSCREAM: (Grimlock) Me, Grimlock, play good lawyer!

SKYWARP: (Kup) Uh, I think I’ll take my chances with the verdict.

THUNDERCRACKER: I say they should feed Wheelie to the Sharkticons.

RUMBLE: Heh, kinda goes without sayin’, doesn’t it?

      GRIMLOCK: Me, Grimlock, want to munch metal.
      The Sharkticons that were attacking Kup and Hot Rod turn their attention to the newcomers. Sludge, Grimlock with Wheelie, Snarl and Swoop approach the Sharkticons, who now look scared as Grimlock squishes some of them underfoot. Wheelie uses his slingshot against a Sharkticon, but it is of no effect. Grimlock growls at the Sharkticon, and it runs away..

THUNDERCRACKER: (referring to Wheelie) Useless.

      Wheelie jumps down from Grimlock’s back. Swoop is holding a Sharkticon underneath him as he flies past. He drops the Sharkticon, and it crashes into more Sharkticons on the ground. Kup and Hot Rod are sitting on the floor, surrounded by Sharkticon wreckage.
      HOT ROD: Haha… I’d never thought I’d be so happy to see those big bozos!
      Kup and Hot Rod stand up.
      GRIMLOCK: Me, Grimlock, no bozo – me king!

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah, king of the bozos.

SKYWARP: Heh. Don’t tell him that, though.

      MAGISTRATE – SECOND FACE: Sharkticons, execute them!

THUNDERCRACKER: A little slow, isn’t he?

      The Sharkticons look at each other, then transform into their robot modes.

SKYWARP: Huh, look at that – they’re just regular guys like us.

STARSCREAM: (Sharkticons) We don’t get paid enough for this crap.

      Grimlock stomps angrily.
      GRIMLOCK: Me, Grimlock, say execute them!
      The Sharkticons look shocked, but then like the idea. They charge towards the Quintesson aliens en masse.
      KUP: I think the problems on this planet will be solved very shortly.

THUNDERCRACKER: See… the thing all those Sharkticons really needed was just for someone to love them.

STARSCREAM: Yes, a little bit of love is all that anyone really needs.

SKYWARP: Yeah… unless you’re Daniel.

THUNDERCRACKER: Or Wheelie.

STARSCREAM: (Magistrate) Time out! Time out! I’ll learn to love again, I promise!

      HOT ROD: Yah, but what about our problems? We need a ship.
      WHEELIE: You get ship if I get trip!

THUNDERCRACKER: (Hot Rod) I have a better idea… just give us your ship or we’ll feed you to the Sharkticons.

      HOT ROD: Who are you?

THUNDERCRACKER: Don’t ask.

      GRIMLOCK: Him Wheelie.
      Grimlock picks Wheelie up with his nose.
      GRIMLOCK: Him friend!

THUNDERCRACKER: Grimlock really shouldn’t lie like that.

      HOT ROD: He’ll be mine, too, if he can find a ship.

THUNDERCRACKER: No, don’t – you’re gonna be stuck with him; it’s not worth it.

SKYWARP: (laughs) You really dislike Wheelie, don’t you? (Thundercracker gives him a look)

      WHEELIE: Give stare, over there!
      Wheelie points to a huge spiral structure in the distance.

THUNDERCRACKER: (at Wheelie’s confusing speech) …What?

      KUP: That’s a ship?
      HOT ROD: Who cares? As long as it flies.
      The next scene reveals Ultra Magnus in pieces on the ground. Springer hovers above, then the rest of the Autobots arrive (left to right: Perceptor, Blurr, Daniel, Springer, Arcee).
      ARCEE: (crying) Ultra Magnus!
      BLURR: Without the Matrix, there is no hope, no hope, no hope, no hope at all!

SKYWARP: (Springer) Shut the hell up, Blurr. Now’s not the time for your crap.

STARSCREAM: (Arcee): Oh, why did it have to be Ultra Magnus? He had a much bigger-

THUNDERCRACKER: Don’t say it, Screamer.

STARSCREAM: What? I was just going to say missile…

SKYWARP: I didn’t know Ultra Magnus even had a missile…

The Decepticons laugh.

SKYWARP: …What?

      ARCEE: First Prime, now Ultra Magnus… what’ll we do?

STARSCREAM: The Matrix is cursed!

      Daniel is crying. The sound of a motorcycle is heard off screen.
      DANIEL: Look!
      Wreck Gar appears in the distance, followed by other Junkions on motorbikes..
      WRECK GAR: Don’t look behind door number two! Rondy(?)! It’s time to play End of the Line, My Valentine! Geronny – Du-ron-ron-roni-moooo!

THUNDERCRACKER: From what we’ve seen so far, I’m not surprised.

SKYWARP: What, another crackpot?

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah… with a whole lotta crack.

      The Autobots transform and scatter as Wreck Gar and his bikies charge at them. The song Dare To Be Stupid by Weird Al Yankovic begins to play. One of the Junkions lassos Springer, in helicopter mode, with a chain. The force from the chain causes the Junkion rider to fall from his bike, which transforms into the rider while the Junkion that was the rider simultaneously transforms into the bike. The two of them then ride off again. Blurr is caught between two Junkions on bikes as the three speed along. The Junkions try to catch him in a net, but Blurr breaks through it. Another Junkion is hitting Arcee with a four-bladed battle-axe, so she counterattacks with spinning, three-pointed spikes that she projects from the side of her car mode, causing the Junkion to fall off his bike. Springer is hovering above them.

STARSCREAM: I think that Junkion was trying to hit on Arcee.

SKYWARP: Not a good idea when Springer’s around.

THUNDERCRACKER: (Arcee) Sorry, but walking garbage cans just don’t push my buttons!

      The Junkion reattaches his broken lower left arm, then transforms into a bike while his bike simultaneously transforms into the rider, and the two of them ride off again.
      SPRINGER: It’s not hard to knock ’em down – it’s getting them to stay down that’s the trick!

STARSCREAM: (Arcee) This isn’t the time to tell us about your personal conquests, Springer.

      ARCEE: They’re indestructible.
      DANIEL: And they’re everywhere!
      More Junkions pop up all around them.
      WRECK GAR: You check in, but you don’t check out.
      There is a glint in Wreck Gar’s left optic, and he throws something up at Springer. Springer smashes into a Junkion, and then transforms into robot mode in mid-air. Wreck Gar attacks Springer with his four-bladed battle-axe, who brandishes a sword from his back. They battle, and Wreck Gar manages to throw Springer to the ground. Before Wreck Gar can deliver a blow with his battle-axe, Springer transforms into his car mode and drives away. However, Springer’s tyres lose traction against a rock, so he transforms back into robot mode as Wreck Gar attacks him, breaking Springer’s sword in half. It’s looking like Springer is losing the fight, when… Daniel hits Wreck Gar over the head with a steel H-Beam, knocking him out cold.

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) You’ve got to be kidding me…

SKYWARP: Where’d all the other Junkions go all of a sudden?

STARSCREAM: Yes, you’d think they’d all be rushing to their leader’s aid.

THUNDERCRACKER: Nah, they’re too afraid of Daniel… and what the kid can do.

SKYWARP: (laughs) I know you don’t want to hear this, Thundercracker, but that kid’s the real hero of this movie.

THUNDERCRACKER: (sarcastic) Huh… and all this time I thought it was Wheelie.

      Daniel and Springer look up to see a spiral-shaped ship circling above them. It begins to descend, spinning. Inside the ship, the Autobots (left to right: Wheelie, Hot Rod, Kup) look out the view screen at all the Junkions down below. The ship lands, drilling down into the ground. Wreck Gar gets up, rubbing the top of his head.
      WRECK GAR: Steady as she goes, Bob(?)! Snoopy visitors get mud in the eye, bye and bye. Film…(?)
      The ship’s hatch door opens, and Hot Rod walks out, followed by Kup. Arcee is happy to see him.
      ARCEE: It’s Hot Rod!
      DANIEL: And Kup and the Dinobots!

THUNDERCRACKER: Who else thinks that Arcee sounded just a little too excited to see Hot Rod again?

STARSCREAM: Well, she’s probably tired of being alone with Springer and his constant talk about his missile.

      The Autobots exit the ship (left to right: Slag, Kup, Hot Rod, Grimlock and Wheelie, Sludge)
      Wreck Gar looks worried. Hot Rod pushes down Kup’s blaster, which he holds in his right hand.
      HOT ROD: Guns aren’t exactly friendly.
      KUP: Neither are they, in case you haven’t noticed.
      HOT ROD: What was that universal greeting again? Never mind, I remember.

THUNDERCRACKER: He’s not seriously thinking about using that universal greeting?

SKYWARP: (Kup) There’s no such thing as a Universal Greeting, lad. I made the whole fraggin’ thing up!

      Hot Rod steps forward holding an energon goodie.
      HOT ROD: Baa-Weep-Grana-Weep-Nini-Bong?

THUNDERCRACKER: (Wreck Gar) What’s that – you want a bong?

      WRECK GAR: Baa-Weep-Grana-Weep-Nini-Bong?

SKYWARP: (Wreck Gar, to Junkions) This guy’s more whacked out than we are…

      Hot Rod hands Wreck Gar the energon goodie as he repeats the Universal Greeting.
      HOT ROD: Baa-Weep-Grana-Weep-Nini-Bong!

THUNDERCRACKER: Heh… notice both Kup’s and Springer’s expressions in the background.

STARSCREAM: (Springer) I can’t believe Arcee actually likes this loser more than me.

      Wreck Gar turns to the Junkions.
      WRECK GAR: Baa-Weep-Grana-Weep-Nini-Bong!
      The Junkions repeat the Universal Greeting while moving to the beat of Dare To Be Stupid. They form a circle around the Autobots, and then everyone is dancing. Hot Rod is dancing with Wreck Gar.

THUNDERCRACKER: Great… another crack party.

STARSCREAM: Why don’t we ever get invited to those things?

SKYWARP: I don’t think they like us, for some reason.

THUNDERCRACKER: (sarcastic) How can anyone not like us?

STARSCREAM: Eh, we should crash their party.

ASTROTRAIN: I agree. They need a bit of our non-geekiness to balance them out a little.

      Wheelie and Daniel show off some of their dance moves.

SKYWARP: (Wheelie) Wheelie and Daniel like to dance, together we share secret romance!

THUNDERCRACKER: Pfft.

SKYWARP: What’s the matter, you don’t like my Wheelie impersonation?

THUNDERCRACKER: No… it’s great. Just, you know… don’t get carried away.

SKYWARP: (smiles) I won’t.

      Grimlock receives a kiss on the nose by a Junkion.
      GRIMLOCK: Ew – me, Grimlock, not kisser. Me, Grimlock, king!

THUNDERCRACKER: (hippie Junkion) Right on…

      Wreck Gar is hitting a green appliance like a gong.
      WRECK GAR: Have a nice day! And please, pose probably (?) before striking, friends! Reek fit or roofie sold paid the Junkions! (…?)

THUNDERCRACKER: What the hell is he saying?

SKYWARP: I think he said he’s got roofies for sale…

      HOT ROD: Where’d you learn to talk like that?
      WRECK GAR: TV! We talk TV! You talk some TV?
      Wheelie joins Hot Rod, looking on in surprise. Wreck Gar shows them a hand-held TV.

THUNDERCRACKER: Well, that explains everything now, doesn’t it?

SKYWARP: Sure does…

      KUP: I talk some TV. And now, the news; don’t touch that dial!

SKYWARP: Do you talk some TV, Thundercracker?

THUNDERCRACKER: …No.

      The Junkions chant the Universal Greeting.
      JUNKIONS: Baa-Weep-Grana-Weep-
      WRECK GAR: By George, chemo sab (?), here’s your smashed up friend soon like brand new with 90 day warranty.
      The Junkions bring pieces of Ultra Magnus and begin putting him back together. They apply some polish.
      WRECK GAR: Happy motoring! Cock-a-doodle-doo!
      Finally, Ultra Magnus’ chest compartment closes. He looks as good as new.

THUNDERCRACKER: Look at that, he’s all put back together again like new.

SKYWARP: Yeah. It’s magic.

THUNDERCRACKER: TV magic.

      Ultra Magnus sits up, and then stands up.
      DANIEL: Look, he’s alive!
      The Autobots all talk at once in excitement.
      BLURR: I see it, but I really don’t believe it…
      ULTRA MAGNUS: You’re… all alive.
      HOT ROD: The Matrix…?
      ULTRA MAGNUS: It’s gone…
      KUP: And with it, all hope.
      HOT ROD: No!
      ARCEE: Galvatron has it!
      HOT ROD: Where’s Galvatron? Where is he?!

THUNDERCRACKER: (Hot Rod) I’m gonna kick the s*** out of him, and then I’m gonna make him eat it!

SKYWARP: (laughs) That’s what he really meant to say.

THUNDERCRACKER: I didn’t want him to keep his anger bottled up inside, you know?

      WRECK GAR: And the answer is… Unicron!
      HOT ROD: Then, we’ve got to destroy Unicron!

THUNDERCRACKER: Oh, yeah – he’s real angry now.

      WRECK GAR: Yes, fine – act now – destroy Unicron. Kill the Grand Poobah! Eliminate even the toughest stain.

ASTROTRAIN: He just made a reference to laundry detergent…

SKYWARP: Heh… that’s no surprise.

      WRECK GAR: Help us, dalmus (?) Hurry, hurry, hurry! Sale must end. Rush right on down and test drive ladies model with no obligation.
      As Wreck Gar talks, he lifts open a hidden panel and then presses three large buttons underneath.
      WRECK GAR: New, improved Junkion planet is sleek, sexy import, with turbo handling.
      As Wreck Gar talks, a large object rises from the junk piles. Daniel looks up in shock. Hot Rod and Kup look happily at each other, Kup nods in approval, then they look happily at the large object. Wreck Gar walks toward the object, which has stopped moving and is now pointing skyward. The Junkions all run towards it.
      JUNKIONS: Yeah! Destroy Unicron! Kill the Grand Poobah! Eliminate even the toughest stains! Destroy Unicron!…
      The object is the Junkion’s ship. Both the Junkion ship and the spiral-shaped Quintesson ship lift off into space.

THUNDERCRACKER: So… they plan to destroy aft-face with laundry detergent?

Break.

(…to be continued)

Decepticons’ commentary: The Transformers: The Movie (1986)

      Unicron is in space.
      GALVATRON: Unicron! Unicron! Answer me!
      Galvatron is standing on Unicron. The Matrix is held around his neck by a chain.
      GALVATRON: See this?! The Matrix! I now possess that which you most fear!

SKYWARP: Heh… aft-face is giving Galvatron the silent treatment.

STARSCREAM: (Unicron) You can keep the Matrix… I don’t want it. I want Arcee now.

THUNDERCRACKER: He’s sulking.

      Unicron emits a blast of radiation from his hole in anger.

RUMBLE: (Unicron) …Pardon me. It’s all those planets I ate.

      GALVATRON: You’ll do my bidding! Or taste my wrath!

RUMBLE: (Unicron) Go away… I’m not hungry.

      Gavatron tries to open the Matrix.

THUNDERCRACKER: (Unicron) You need to replace its batteries, fool.

      Unicron emits another blast of radiation as he talks.
      UNICRON: You underestimate me, Galvatron.
      Unicron transforms into robot mode, as Galvatron looks on in shock.
      UNICRON: For a time… I considered sparing your wretched little planet Cybertron. But now, you shall witness… its dismemberment!
      GALVATRON: Nooooo!
      Unicron approaches Cybertron.

SKYWARP: Wow. It’s a transforming… planet-sized aft-face.

STARSCREAM: (Galvatron) S***! This can’t be happening!

THUNDERCRACKER: Who else thinks that Unicron kinda looks like Wheelie’s dad?

ASTROTRAIN: Yeah… I can kinda see the resemblance.

STARSCREAM: He’s come for his kid, and he’s not going to be happy when he finds out who he’s been spending time with.

SKYWARP: They’d all better watch out when aft-face finds out Arcee’s got a thing for Daniel.

THUNDERCRACKER: …And Hot Rod… and Springer… and Ultra Magnus.

      Unicron smashes his hand into Cybertron. Shockwave looks up in alarm.

THUNDERCRACKER: Huh, there’s Shockwave! We haven’t seen much of him in this movie.

SKYWARP: It’s his two seconds of fame. Enjoy it while it lasts, Shockwave!

SHOCKWAVE: (Shockwave) But I don’t want to die.

THUNDERCRACKER: You’ve got better things to do tonight than die. Isn’t that right, Shockwave?

SHOCKWAVE: That is correct.

      There is chaos in the streets as Cybertron’s inhabitants run from the mayhem. Debris is falling all around them.
      SHOCKWAVE: Decepticons! We’re under attack! Scramble!
      Several fighter jets (led by Galvatron’s ship) begin to fire laser blasts and missiles at Unicron. Unicron eats some of the jets. Galvatron transforms into his cannon mode and fires three shots at Unicron. Galvatron transforms back into robot mode as Unicron picks him up and drops him into his open mouth. He falls down inside Unicron. The Junkion ship and the Quintesson ship arrive. The Autobots inside the Quintesson ship (left to right: Springer, Arcee, Daniel, Kup, Hot Rod) can clearly see Unicron and Cybertron from their view screen.
      SPRINGER: I don’t believe it!
      HOT ROD: Doesn’t this remind you of anything, Kup?
      KUP: Nope. Never seen anything like this before.

THUNDERCRACKER: (Hot Rod) What about the time you caught Spike alone with Bumblebee-

SKYWARP: (Kup) I swore I’d never speak of that again, lad…

      DANIEL: What happened to Moon Base Two?!

THUNDERCRACKER: (Springer) Well, hopefully Spike got swallowed up by the big, bad planet-eater along with the Moon Base…

SKYWARP: Don’t say that – he’ll start crying again.

      DANIEL: Where’s my dad?!

THUNDERCRACKER: (Springer) Like I said…

      HOT ROD: That’s what we’re gonna find out.
      Unicron spots the approaching ships. He blasts them with some sort of blue tornado-like energy that he emits from his mouth. The Junkion ship is caught in the center of the tornado.
      WRECK GAR: (?)… This is fire, rain and corrosion for up to five years. Satisfaction? Guaranteed.
      Wreck Gar steers his ship through the energy cloud, as Perceptor looks on beside him. In the next scene, Junkions are repairing damage to the ship. Unicron delivers another blast, which hits and damages the Quintesson ship. Hot Rod, Kup, Daniel, Arcee and Springer are knocked about as part of their ship explodes behind them. Hot Rod regains control of the ship’s controls, and steers it straight into Unicron’s left optic. Arcee, followed by Kup, Daniel, and then Hot Rod fall out of the ship. Unicron holds a hand to his damaged optic membrane. Inside Unicron, Springer is free falling, followed by Arcee, Kup, Daniel, and then Hot Rod, who lands on a spike. Springer lands on a flat surface, followed by Arcee, Kup, and Daniel.
      DANIEL: Where’s Hot Rod?

THUNDERCRACKER: (Hot Rod) Can’t I take a leak without you always following me around?

      SPRINGER: I dunno, but I hope they didn’t get him!
      Pincers on the end of long tentacle-like structures emerge from holes in the walls.
      ARCEE: Quick – this way!
      The Autobots run to escape the pincers. Daniel leads the way down a tunnel, followed by Arcee, Springer, and Kup. Hot Rod slips off the spike he was on and free falls down an opening. He keeps falling until he lands on a flat surface. He crawls along the floor and then stands up on a nearby platform. He looks around and sees a strange, glowing blue energy in the darkness.
      HOT ROD: The Matrix!

STARSCREAM: It’s cursed – don’t touch it!

      GALVATRON: It will do you no good, Autobot. It cannot be opened!
      In the darkness, First Galvatron’s red optics and then his entire form is revealed.

THUNDERCRACKER: (Hot Rod) I brought fresh batteries…

      HOT ROD: Not by a Decepticon!

SKYWARP: Well, that’s biased. Ultra Magnus couldn’t open it, either.

STARSCREAM: That’s right… so, does that mean that Ultra Magnus is a Decepticon, then?

THUNDERCRACKER: I guess it’s just another unsolved mystery.

      GALVATRON: Like it or not – we are allies, now. Against a common foe.
      Unicron sends him the red radiation.
      GALVATRON: Ahhhh! (Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!)
      UNICRON: Destroy him, Galvatron, now… or you, yourself, shall be obliterated.
      GALVATRON: Ah – of course, my Master. Ohh! Ahh!
      Galvatron fires four shots at Hot Rod with his cannon.
      GALVATRON: Puny Autobot! You lack even Prime’s courage.

STARSCREAM: Galvatron doesn’t get much of a break, does he?

SKYWARP: Nope. Why, do you care?

STARSCREAM: Not in the slightest.

      Meanwhile, Unicron is standing on top of Cybertron. He continues to battle the Decepticon jets. Unicron fires laser blasts from his undamaged right optic. Grimlock appears on screen left, flying towards Unicron in space. Unicron fires at him, but misses. Grimlock fires back with laser blasts from his hands. The four Dinobots are in robot mode (Grimlock, then Snag, Swoop, and Sludge) as they fly up towards Unicron’s head. In the next shot, Unicron’s left eye is fixed.
      GRIMLOCK: Me, Grimlock, kick butt!
      Grimlock transforms into his T-Rex mode. He smashes into Unicron with his feet. The other three Dinobots all transform into their alt modes as well and land on Unicron. Sludge smashes into Unicron with his tail. Swoop fires bombs into Unicron, and Slag breathes fire at him, creating a hole in his armour. Unicron tries to grab the Dinobots with his fist, but they disperse like flies.
      GRIMLOCK: Me, Grimlock, need new strategy.
      The Dinobots regroup and fly away, as Unicron growls. In the next scene, Springer is running, followed by Kup, Arcee, and then Daniel. Daniel is lagging behind, and then falls down.
      DANIEL: Heeelp! Help!

SKYWARP: The kid’s just slowing them down. I don’t get why they keep him around.

THUNDERCRACKER: (Springer) You’re useless, kid. Why couldn’t you have just stayed home like we told you to?

SKYWARP: He reminds me of one of those spoiled brats you always see hanging around shopping malls crying all the time.

THUNDERCRACKER: (Arcee) Wait ’til we get home and I tell your father about your bad behaviour, young man!

SKYWARP: You mean Unicron?

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah.

STARSCREAM: (Unicron as Darth Vader, dramatic) No… I am your father.

ASTROTRAIN: Oh, so that must mean that Unicron gets Arcee after all, and they end up having Daniel together, and also Wheelie?

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah… I guess so.

ASTROTRAIN: Huh. This movie’s finally starting to make sense now.

      ARCEE: Daniel!
      Arcee, Springer and Kup turn back and run towards Daniel. The pincers close in on Daniel. Springer and Arcee shoot them away, but the damage caused by the blast causes water to rush out of a hole in the ceiling of the tunnel. The Autobots are swept up in the flood.

SKYWARP: Let’s all keep in mind they’re actually swimming inside aft-face.

      DANIEL: Arcee! Kup!
      Daniel is swept down a tunnel. The door at the end of the tunnel slides open, and Daniel finds himself in a large space. High above there is a moving line with robots hanging from it. The robots are dropped off one by one into a vat of bright pink, boiling liquid underneath.
      VICTIM 1: Arghhhhhhh!
      VICTIM 2: Arghhhh!
      The victims become bright pink as they die agonizing deaths.

ASTROTRAIN:  Wow. That’d frighten any young viewer. Kinda looks like the Pits.

THUNDERCRACKER: Maybe Daniel will accidently fall in…

STARSCREAM: Yes, Hell is a real place, kids! So, always listen to your parents!

SKYWARP: And never say the word s*** like Spike did!

      Daniel runs out of the sea and looks up to see Spike.
      DANIEL: Dad!

THUNDERCRACKER: Hehe… Spike’s there, too. Perfect.

      SPIKE: Daniel!

STARSCREAM: (Spike) Daniel… I’m not really your father!

SKYWARP: I think he’s always known it…

      DANIEL: Dad, what can I do?

THUNDERCRACKER: How about, go and drown yourself?

      SPIKE: Knock down the acid cover!
      DANIEL: How?
      SPIKE: Blast it, son!
      DANIEL: But I don’t have a gun!
      SPIKE: Use your exo-suit!

THUNDERCRACKER: (groans) Come on, work it out, kid…

      Daniel experiments with his exo-suit controls, and a small blast of energy comes out of its left elbow.
      SPIKE (distraught): Hurry!
      Daniel hits another button on his suit, and it luckily transforms its arms and shoots out laser fire. The blast luckily hits the acid cover support rod just as Spike is dropped from the moving line.
      DANIEL: Daaad!
      Bumblebee also drops down. Jazz is next in line. The acid cover closes halfway over the vat. Daniel runs up to the vat, but can’t see over the top. He turns his head away, expecting the worst. But then Spike appears on top of the vat, waving down at Daniel.
      SPIKE (relieved): Daniel!
      Daniel turns to look.
      SPIKE: You did it!
      DANIEL: Yeah!
      On top of the acid cover, Bumblebee, Jazz and Cliffjumper are also standing behind Spike, looking down at Daniel.
      DANIEL: I did it!

STARSCREAM: Daniel didn’t do anything; that was just luck.

SKYWARP: But he thinks he’s a hero, now.

      Galvatron is looking around for Hot Rod.
      GALVATRON: Come out, Autobot! We all must die, sometime.
      Hot Rod sneaks up behind Galvatron and takes him by surprise.
      HOT ROD: Not today, Galvatron!
      Hot Rod punches Galvatron in the face. Then Hot Rod transforms into his car mode, races away, then turns around and speeds back towards Galvatron, bowling him over. Galvatron fires two shots at Hot Rod, but misses. He fires two more shots at Hot Rod, again not quite hitting him. Galvatron transforms into his cannon mode and fires more shots. The fourth blast causes Hot Rod to transform back into robot mode. Hot Rod fires back, causing Galvatron to transform back into robot mode. Hot Rod transforms into car mode again, then races towards Galvatron.
      GALVATRON: Raaagh!
      Hot Rod runs Galvatron over. Then Galvatron flips Hot Rod over, who transforms back into robot mode.
      GALVATRON: I will crush you with my bare hands!
      Galvatron places his hands around Hot Rod’s neck. Hot Rod struggles to breathe.
      GALVATRON: Die, Autobot!

THUNDERCRACKER: Maybe he should ask for Daniel’s help.

ASTROTRAIN: Seriously, what are the chances Daniel’s going to come along and save the Autobot now?

STARSCREAM: I’d say there’s a good chance, considering what we’ve seen so far.

THUNDERCRACKER: See, you’re not there anymore to screw things up for everyone, so now they have to make Daniel a hero.

STARSCREAM: Yes… it was a big mistake to get rid of me.

SKYWARP: Why do I get the feeling that they can never truly get rid of you?

STARSCREAM: That’s because they can’t.

      Meanwhile, the Junkion ship fires at Unicron (whose left eye is smashed again). Unicron grabs the ship with his right hand and crushes it. Inside the ship, Wreck Gar and a Junkion watch helplessly as their ship is being destroyed. Then Unicron throws the broken pieces of ship from his hand.
      GALVATRON: First, Prime. Then, Ultra Magnus…. and now, you! It’s a pity you Autobots die so easily, or I might have a sense of satisfaction now.
      Suddenly the Matrix emits a light, and The Touch begins to play. Hot Rod grabs the Matrix and breaks it off the chain around Galvatron’s neck.

THUNDERCRACKER: So, the Matrix decided to wait until now to finally do something? It’s a joke.

RUMBLE: Maybe it’s not the Matrix that’s doing anything; maybe it’s the Touch?

THUNDERCRACKER: Heh. Could be. The Touch is the real Power.

      A voice suddenly speaks, as Hot Rod holds up the Matrix and changes form into a larger version of himself.
      MATRIX: Arise, RODIMUS PRIME!
      Rodimus Prime: (whispers) Optimus!

THUNDERCRACKER: Who else thought the Matrix sounded like Darth Vader?

SKYWARP: So, it’s Optimus in there. Explains why The Touch started playing again.

      GALVATRON: No…
      Galvatron fires at Rodimus Prime, but the first two shots just bounce off Rodimus. The third shot knocks the Matrix out of Rodimus’ hands. The Matrix lands on the floor.
      RODIMUS PRIME: This is the end of the road, Galvatron!

THUNDERCRACKER: Hopefully we’re nearing the end of the movie, too.

SKYWARP: You sound like you didn’t enjoy it.

THUNDERCRACKER: No, it was awesome… whatever gave you that idea?

      Rodimus Prime tackles Galvatron, then picks him up and throws him into the wall. Galvatron goes straight through the wall and out of Unicron into space.
      GALVATRON: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
      Rodimus Prime holds the Matrix with both hands once more, as it emits its light again.

THUNDERCRACKER: Wow. Rodimus Prime is more awesomer than Optimus Prime ever was.

SKYWARP: Heh. More awesomer…

      Rodimus Prime opens the Matrix (the inner, glowing sphere hangs in mid-air).
      RODIMUS PRIME: Now… light our darkest hour!
      The light from the Matrix intensifies, and begins to destroy Unicron from the inside out. Springer, Kup and Arcee are still shooting at the pincers, when Unicron begins to self-destruct. Bumblebee and Cliffjumper make a run for it, followed by Jazz, Spike and Daniel. Springer sees them.
      SPRINGER: Wait – Daniel!
      DANIEL: Springer! What’s going on?
      SPRINGER: No time to answer that now. Let’s get outta here!
      Everyone makes a run for it. Daniel stops and reaches out to… Rodimus, who is now running towards them.
      DANIEL: Look!
      RODIMUS: Autobots! Transform and roll out!
      Rodimus Prime transforms into a truck. His canopy opens and Spike and Daniel climb into his front cab.
      KUP: I knew you had potential, lad.
      Kup transforms into his alt mode and follows after Rodimus Prime. Arcee does the same, followed by Jazz, Bumblebee, and then Cliffjumper. Springer transforms into his helicopter mode. The Autobots all drive out into space through Unicron’s right optic, smashing through it. A green beam of light is emitted out of Unicron’s right optic. Smoke and other green beams of light are emitted from other parts of his body as he is slowly destroyed from the inside out. Most of his left leg is missing.
      UNICRON: Destiny… you cannot… destroy… my destiny!
      Unicron’s head is blown clean off his body. Finally, Unicron’s body explodes into little pieces.

SKYWARP: Well, that’s the end of aft-face, I guess.

ASTROTRAIN: Yup.

SKYWARP: No more Big Daddy.

ASTROTRAIN: Nope. And Optimus Prime’s still dead.

SHRAPNEL: Dead, dead.

SKYWARP: Yup.

      In the next scene, the Autobots have all gathered to listen to Rodimus Prime. Left to right – view from back: Ultra Magnus, Blurr, Grimlock and Wheelie, Jazz, Kup. Left to right – view from front: Blurr, Spike, Arcee, Daniel, Bumblebee, Ultra Magnus, Jazz, Kup, Sludge, Perceptor, Slag.
      RODIMUS PRIME: Let this mark the end of the Cybertronian wars as we march forward to a new age of peace and happiness, till all are one!
      AUTOBOTS: Till all are one!
      Springer, Arcee, Kup and Wreck Gar stand facing one another. They unite hands.
      AUTOBOTS: Till all are one!
      The view pulls back to reveal a ruined but still existent Cybertronian landscape. In space, Unicron’s head flies past Cybertron. Both optics are smashed, and there is a vacant expression on his face.
      The end credits roll and the Transformers (Theme) (Alternate Version) by Vince DiCola plays.
      After the credits, the movie informs us that it has been rated ‘Parental Guidance Suggested: Some material may not be suitable for children’.
      The movie ends.

SKYWARP: Whew.

STARSCREAM: I can’t believe we actually sat through-

THUNDERCRACKER: -Tolerated.

STARSCREAM: -the whole thing.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah… I didn’t think you were going to stick around till the end.

STARSCREAM: Neither was I, but then Spike said s***.

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) That’s when the movie suddenly became worth watching.

STARSCREAM: Yes… it certainly opened up many opportunities that never existed before.

THUNDERCRACKER: Such as?

STARSCREAM: Well, sooner or later they’re going to want me back, and when they do I’m going to insist that I get to say s*** whenever I want, amongst other things.

SKYWARP: Heh. You’re going to make them beg to have you back, aren’t you?

STARSCREAM: Yes. And believe me, they’ll want me back.

THUNDERCRACKER: Oh, we don’t doubt that, Screamer.

STARSCREAM: Probably even more than Optimus Prime.

THUNDERCRACKER: Well, we’re going to take a break and then we might be back one more time for some final thoughts. I dunno… we’ll see how it goes.

The Decepticons take a break.

(…to be continued?)

Welcome back to the final part of the Decepticons’ commentary! I hope you enjoyed the movie as much as they did. Now that it’s over, they have kindly agreed to return one more time to share their final thoughts on the movie, and to answer a few questions. So, let’s get on with it, shall we? Please give a warm welcome back to… the Decepticons!

Decepticons’ commentary: The Transformers: The Movie (1986)

The Decepticons re-enter the theater and take their seats.

SKYWARP: So… now we know what happens after season two. I wasn’t expecting things to turn out the way they did. It kind of surprised me.

THUNDERCRACKER: Well, for me, it marks the end of an era. It was kind of disappointing to see many of us killed off or replaced without a second thought. Not exactly what I was hoping to see.

STARSCREAM: Don’t worry. We’ll be back.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah, maybe so, but as far as the original show is concerned, it’s never going to be the same. If, and when, we do come back in our original forms, it’ll most likely be a complete reboot.

STARSCREAM: Well, in that case… if, and when, that happens, I’m going to make sure that we win!

SKYWARP: And that there’s no Wheelie?

STARSCREAM: No Wheelie.

SKYWARP: And no aft-face?

STARSCREAM: And no aft-face, I promise!

SKYWARP: (smiles) Good.

THUNDERCRACKER: Heh. You didn’t like the part when he reformatted you, huh?

SKYWARP: No… did you?

THUNDERCRACKER: No.

STARSCREAM: (Narrator) Then, in the end, Skywarp woke up to find that it had all been just a stupid dream…

SKYWARP: Heh. I like that version way better.

THUNDERCRACKER: Great. How about we jump straight into the questions now?

That’s a great idea, Thundercracker. First question, then: what rating do you all give the movie, out of 10?

STARSCREAM: Well… I was going to give it a 10, but, like Thundercracker mentioned before, many of us were callously killed off – including myself… so, I’m going to have to minus 8 points for that. I give the movie a 2 out of 10.

THUNDERCRACKER: Heh. That sounds fair. I give it a 2 as well.

SKYWARP: Wait – can we take another point off for Wheelie?

THUNDERCRACKER: Oh… yeah. I forgot about him.

STARSCREAM: So… 1 out of 10?

THUNDERCRACKER: 1 out of 10. Do we all agree?

The Decepticons all agree.

What were some of the highlights of the movie for all of you?

THUNDERCRACKER: Highlights… uh, well, I’d say definitely Scavenger’s defining moment, when he kills Prowl with one shot. That was pretty bad-ass.

SKYWARP: Yeah. That was bad-ass.

STARSCREAM: What about when Hot Rod caught that big fish?

The Decepticons laugh.

SKYWARP: How about when Spike says s***?

THUNDERCRACKER: Oh, that’s a definite highlight.

ASTROTRAIN: Unicron’s transformation sequence was pretty interesting, I thought.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yep, and also when Ultra Magnus detonated three-quarters of his ship. That was fun.

STARSCREAM: And then how he inexplicably ends up in little pieces, after the Matrix screwed him over.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yep.

SCAVENGER: When I got to say a line!

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) That was a definite highlight. What about Unicron’s voice… and his creepy theme music.

SKYWARP: Yeah, that, too.

What were some of the worst moments of the movie for all of you?

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) Probably every other scene.

SKYWARP: Yeah… and any scene that involved Spike, Daniel, Bumblebee, Blurr, or Wheelie.

STARSCREAM: …Or Springer’s missile.

The Decepticons laugh.

THUNDERCRACKER: I think when Unicron reformatted us – that was one of the worst moments.

What was the movie’s biggest surprise?

THUNDERCRACKER: Hmm… probably the real deaths, starting with the Autobots on the shuttle.

ASTROTRAIN: Prime’s death was a bit unexpected.

STARSCREAM: And my death.

SKYWARP: Yep.

STARSCREAM: Also, Springer’s missile.

The Decepticons laugh.

What would you say is the moral of the movie, or its overall theme?

SKYWARP: Oh, that’s easy. Don’t take drugs.

The Decepticons laugh.

Favourite main character?

THUNDERCRACKER: Uh… that’s a difficult one.

SKYWARP: Yeah, the choices weren’t great. I’m going to say it’s between Rodimus Prime and Kup.

Okay. Least favorite character?

STARSCREAM: Wheelie.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yep, definitely Wheelie.

SKYWARP: No debate there.

Who is the better Autobot leader, Optimus Prime or Rodimus Prime?

THUNDERCRACKER: Rodimus Prime.

SKYWARP: Yep.

STARSCREAM: He did more with the Matrix than Optimus ever could.

SKYWARP: Plus he never needed the Touch to do it.

RUMBLE: Or the Power.

Who do you prefer as leader, Megatron or Galvatron?

THUNDERCRACKER: Uh – Megatron.

ASTROTRAIN: Megatron.

SOUNDWAVE: Megatron, definitely.

MEGATRON: Me.

STARSCREAM: Yes… although sometimes I should be leader.

SKYWARP: Only sometimes?

STARSCREAM: Well, when Megatron is unavailable.

THUNDERCRACKER: Heh. Of course.

Most annoying character?

THUNDERCRACKER: That’s a toss-up between Daniel, Wheelie and Blurr.

Most underused character?

THUNDERCRACKER: Hmm. I’m going to have to say…

SKYWARP: Devastator.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah. Devastator.

SCRAPPER: Also Shockwave.

THUNDERCRACKER: Oh, yeah. Him, too.

Most useless character?

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) Wheelie.

RUMBLE: Kinda goes without sayin’, doesn’t it?

SKYWARP: Wheelie, for sure.

Most overused character?

THUNDERCRACKER: That’s another obvious one – Daniel.

SKYWARP: Wheelie was overused as well.

STARSCREAM: Yes… if he appeared on-screen for more than two seconds, he was overused.

THUNDERCRACKER: Heh. True.

Were there any unnecessary scenes?

THUNDERCRACKER: Oh, there were plenty of those. Every scene that had Wheelie in it, for starters.

STARSCREAM: That fishing scene.

ASTROTRAIN: The fight for leadership and the jettisoning of half the Decepticons…

SKYWARP: Yeah, that was completely unnecessary. What about Starscream’s coronation?

THUNDERCRACKER: And those trumpets.

SKYWARP: Heh. Wheelie’s rhyming?

THUNDERCRACKER: We already covered Wheelie extensively.

SKYWARP: Oh… all the TV talk. The Junkions putting Ultra Magnus back together again.

THUNDERCRACKER: For sure… very unnecessary, and the TV talk was really annoying.

Speaking of annoying… what were some other things that you all found annoying?

THUNDERCRACKER, SKYWARP: Wheelie.

The Decepticons laugh.

STARSCREAM: I guess he’s not going to win any Academy Awards for his performance, is he?

THUNDERCRACKER: Nope. Also annoying was Blurr’s constant verbal diarrhea.

STARSCREAM: Yes… that guy really needs to slow down. Stop to smell the energon goodies every once in a while.

SKYWARP: And get off the crack.

THUNDERCRACKER: Heh. Yeah… the crack. I think everyone was on something in that movie.

Should a sequel be made?

THUNDERCRACKER: Uh… no. I think we’ve seen more than enough. Maybe a reboot would be good, though.

Would you like to see Unicron make a comeback some day?

SKYWARP: Sure… but only if the rest of us get to come back as well.

Should Optimus Prime return?

STARSCREAM: If Optimus Prime gets to return, then so should I.

MEGATRON: And me instead of Galvatron.

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah. That’s fair.

Should the Quintessons return in the future?

THUNDERCRACKER: Ah… the Quintessons… loved those guys. I’m going to say yes.

SKYWARP: I liked them, too. They were funny.

STARSCREAM: Innocent!

SKYWARP: Guilty!

RUMBLE: Innocent!

STARSCREAM: No – guilty!

SHRAPNEL: Innocent, innocent!

SKYWARP, RUMBLE: Guilty!

STARSCREAM, FRENZY: Innocent!

SKYWARP, STARSCREAM: Guilty!

ASTROTRAIN: Innocent!

SCAVENGER: Guilty!

THUNDERCRACKER: Shut the hell up, guys…

The Decepticons laugh.

Alright. One last question: would you recommend The Transformers: The Movie to a friend?

THUNDERCRACKER: Um. Starscream, you wanna answer that one?

STARSCREAM: Would I recommend the movie to a friend? No.

THUNDERCRACKER: (laughs) There you go, that’s Screamer for ya – tellin’ it like it is.

STARSCREAM: Always.

Indeed. But now, unfortunately, we have come to the end of the Decepticons’ commentary. Thanks to all of you for sharing your thoughts on the movie with everybody out there. Any last words?

THUNDERCRACKER: Yeah. Kids, remember: say no to hard drugs.

SKYWARP: Yeah… or you’ll end up like Wheelie.

Thank you, and as always… Decepticons forever!

The DECEPTICONS: Decepticons forever!

The Decepticons begin to exit the theater.

SCAVENGER: Um… hey, guys… can we watch that bit with me on the shuttle again? Please?

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